My Story So Far. Is this even worth saving?

[greatwhitenorth]

Hi Timbits

I've tweaked to a few things you've said about where you are, and I think we might be from the same home town. I haven't lived there in 12 years, and haven't been back in seven or so. A lot has changed in that time.

he feels like I can't change. Well, he doesn't even seem to want to try to change! I don't think the problem is that I can't change, but more that he won't change.

My H said the same thing to me. Even when he *confessed* to having issues, when I asked him why he wouldn't work on them in the safety and security of his home and people who love him, his excuse was "because you'll never change." That was the punchline of EVERYTHING...somehow I'm flawed and thereby responsible for his choices.

Has your H told you what he figures you need to change?

H never told me, except the laundry list of ridiculousness (he didn't feel like my protector, I didn't tell him he had a nice butt one day in particular, etc) and my "strong personality", which is no different than it was before we married.

The "you won't change" mantra is a crock they use so they don't have to look at themselves or take any responsibility. And IMHO you're absolutely right....your H won't change....not right now anyway.

Fact is, IMHO, they lack the insight required to see what they need to change and to change it. Sometimes loss rectifies this, but not in my case. H's relief outweighed his losses.

He doesn't have the b@lls to end it, but is trying to make me miserable so I do it for him.

You're right on that one too. My H was twitchy almost from the get go because, I think, we were so good together and to be with me meant he couldn't hide forever. We were achieving and doing everything he wanted in life. At around the 1.5 year mark we bought a townhouse together and within a very short time the front porch / entranceway seddenly became too small for him. He moaned continuously about this. So we sold it after two years instead of five and moved to the country where we could store the boat and he could shoot his crossbow in the basement or the backyard and hunt or fish whenever he wanted to.

Not even a year later he was in EA (I found out the time line after BD) and then a few months after that BD/PA. I think he figured he'd play us both and get away with it, but I threw him out. Funny enough as he was leaving he said "maybe if we'd stayed in the townhouse this wouldn't have happened." Seriously. From the mouths of babes...and revisionist historians.

By throwing him out I essentially did the dirty work for him. I honestly thought he'd open his eyes to the life he was giving up, but no such luck. Absence only provided him the relief he sought because all he wanted was to get away, and away he stays. This I regret.

Stick to your guns, maid! Make him do the dirty work.