I'm writing to you again here, realizing I don't hold the popular opinion, and everyone usually dismisses me, but I've been saying this for months now when I first pointed out (and everyone came down on me) that you had a lot of anger. People quickly said you didn't - even people who aren't you.
I think what I see in this is a quick attempt to slap together a marriage and keep it together - one that was slowly falling apart.
For me, the only way to piece that back is to heal the wound. And I see that you are trying to stuff your emotions for the sake of the marriage and that's not gonna work.
I really don't know how others do it. But I strongly believe you have to feel your feelings. They're not going to go away and this is going to keep coming up - long term - until you do -
Doing it now may just be the very best thing for your marriage. Numbing and cutting yourself off so that you ignore the past of your marriage and your anger and resentment at your husband - innocent as he may be - is NOT in my opinion the way to go.
Do you have to take it out on him or even involve him? Maybe - at some point. But right now, I would work just on creating a safe place for you to let those emotions have some space. They will pass through you and create new boundaries and a new understanding of self.
Please consider reading the book I've mentioned here called Language of Emotions - if you don't read the whole thing, you can read from the beginning into the sections about each emotion and find the ones your dealing with
Apathy - (pages 191-196) "Apathy often masks anger and depression, both of which arise in response to inappropriate environments and degraded boundaries. You can see apathy trying to slap a boundary together--trying to define itself with material possessions, addictions and distractions, sarcasm, or perfect-world scenarios. Apathy points to a loss of boundaries, and to a distinct and urgent need for change, but it does so in an ineffectual and distractible way."
And "apathy can serve important functions in many situations where effective action cannot be undertaken."
And "We need the masking state of apathy if we're unbalanced or dissociated and can't use our emotions properly, and many of us use apathy to provide the flow that should come from our emotions. For some of us, apathy and the distractions it requires are the only things that can get us from one place to the next."
"....our apathy keeps us going and provides a certain shielding from our deep issues."
