I read that you thought my answer was vague. I apologize. When you asked me what my H had done to change my mind I was literally at rock bottom hours after hearing he might be moving in with his GF. I had nothing to give or offer. Plus it was a question I had answered several times both in my thread and others. If you click on someone's user name you can can choose to see all of their posts. You can also use the search button at the top to search a person's username or any key words.
I want to give you some things to think about. You don't have to respond to any of this. Because what I see is people offering you suggestions or information and you immediately defending or explaining why those won't work, why they are work, or why they don't understand your situation.
I'm going to give you something you need right now empathy.
I understand. Because I was there. You are me in Oct. You are tired. Tired of trying. Tired of feeling this way. Tired of being unhappy. Tired of being the only one who is trying. (I once yelled at my therapist why do I have to be the one to do all the work)
You don't want your marriage to end. You don't want to be divorced. You don't want your S to be from a broken home. You don't want to have to admit to family or friends that it failed. That you failed. That you couldn't hold it together. You've done everything you can to try to make this work, you've read everything, you've done everything you possibly could. It's not working and that makes you really angry and sad. But if you're angry and righteous in the fact that you did everything then you don't have to be sad. (I'm not accusing I did that....Well I didn't think I'd tried everything I just convinced myself he was happy like this and I wasn't and so we wanted different things..in reality no he wasn't happy like this, he would just rather have the unhappiness then jump in the uncertainty water of owning up to the problems)
And the no sex? I was there. And that makes you feel like less of a woman. Why does every other woman get to complain about not wanting to and yours doesn't want you? Is there something wrong with you? Are you not sexual, pretty, It makes you feel unloved, unwanted, undesired and when you don't feel those things you can't feel feminine, pretty, soft, kind, caring, warm....why should you take care and dote on someone who hasn't kissed your neck in over a year. You haven't felt butterflies in forever....
here's the thing nothing will change until you decide what you want. I went to IC to "get my head together" on the 4 or 5th session I didn't want to go part of me knew I was going to say it. And I finally said it I think it's over. And then I sobbed and sobbed like a crazy person. And she said "I always thought you were leaning that way" When I look back I can see why because if she suggested anything to help the situation, improve our communication I would shut it down, tell her that wouldn't work, I'd done that before, or flat out I'm not doing that I've done enough! When I would tell her something mean he said ie "We're too smart for counselling. We don't really have problems you're making a mountain out of a molehill." She would said he said that? And I would that as validation. See she sees he's unreasonable!!
I chose to hear what I wanted to support my already made decision that it couldn't/wouldn't work. And I felt like if I ended it the pain would end. But it didn't.
It only takes one person to change the situation. When someone changes the way they act the people around them change. I see that with my teenage son all the time. If I ask him a question with a tone in my voice you can imagine the reaction I get. If I go into the conversation thinking that he's a responsible kid, I get a better reaction. I've also figured out ways to get him to talk to me longer, hang out with me more. It means I watch a lot of Family Guy and South Park and I know more about Star Wars and LOTR than most girls but I'd rather have him in the room with me.
You have to decide if you want to change this situation even if it means you doing the work, you forgiving without getting an apology, you putting aside any feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, any bad feelings for him aside with out any bit of work on his part for possibly a long time, you also have to be willing to "act as if" with the warmth and things he talked about and mean it. And be able to do it with a givers heart.
I couldn't do that, I wouldn't do that. I was self righteous, angry, determined. I couldn't give, I had nothing to give. If my IC had said "make no decision about the M, you've been living like this for what a year? what's another. Let's work on your self esteem, your self worth, and your communication with H. Why do you feel abandoned, neglected in the M and you can't say because of his actions"...then I honestly think there could have been a chance if I'd chose to hear it and agree. But she didn't and I made the choice to leave. And it hurt not only because I didn't want my marriage to end, and I didn't want to admit to my family and friends who all thought we were a great couple, but because he was my dearest friend, I loved him, and I thought he would be lost without me.
What changed? Well like I said. it only takes one person's actions to affect a situation. He changed. He wasn't going to be lost without me. He wasn't looking to me for support, validation, acceptance, anything. And because of that he wasn't needy, he had his own stuff going on, he related to me like an equal, like a friend. We didn't have the stilted harsh P/A conversations anymore because he didn't need me. (this was actually because he's cut me out of his heart, shut the door, and didn't need that from me rather than working on himself to decide he didn't need that in a R or from a partner)
Any time you spend working on yourself is time well spent. Do you want to be warm, kind, caring, and have good communication with your partner in the future? Whether that's your H or someone else? I think you do. Because you want to be happy we all do. You just need to decide if you want to do this within the marriage or outside the marriage.
I wish someone had told me this and that I had been open. I may not have been open. I had to lose him and part of myself before I decided that the M wasn't the cause of all my unhappiness or his, to remember the good and decide that the bad was all fixable.
