Well Jack, I wasn't really blaming STBX for making me into something I don't like. Just noting it sure is happening. I think me seeing that was important.
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
So today I get an email from STBXH. He is sending me a job listing for a nice job that pays really good. One that I am sure I don't qualify for, despite my time in the military.
What is his message here? Get a good job so I don't have to pay you so much spouse support? Get a good job so you can stay on the island and don't take my grandchildren and children away?
I will apply for the job. But doubt I will be considered qualified, the GS system is different!
Then over dinner, he wanted to talk about what furniture and beer mugs he would take. He originally said he didn't want anything. So I pointed put specifically mugs with his name on them and asked did he want me to give those to one of our sons. He said he liked them. There are 3 sets of his and hers mugs with our names on them. It feels like you take the pepper I'll take the salt. But so be it.....
Then I said I wanted the formal dining room set and he could have the kitchen set. He said "But you love the kitchen set." I said "Well I love the dining room set, too. It has more display area and I will need that. And I won't have room in whatever house I go to for both. And besides that, what are you going to use?"
He agreed that a table to eat off would be nice.....
I have begun to realize I am way to attached to my things and really don't need so much crap!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Hi Wendy, when I have done mental exercises regarding splitting up, I think I would get rid of just about everything that wasn't "me" or "my kids" if I kept the house...including furniture and stuff that came from others, like my parents old dining room table, etc.
I am trying to actually do some of this clutter clearing anyway just to open up my life, get rid of old "thing karma", etc, regardless of what happens with W and I.
J3B reminded me of need vs. want recently...maybe I will take a couple days off work to clear my space...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Well Jack, I wasn't really blaming STBX for making me into something I don't like. Just noting it sure is happening. I think me seeing that was important
I have been accused of ignoring the fluff and going for the 'kill', as a friend put it. Finding the one weak link in his post, the thing he didn't really want to talk about.
I only have your words, the ones you put here to express yourself. Sometimes, those words are like Freudian slips. : )
Those I tend to notice.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
At long last I have sat quietly and the answers have come!
My DIL has been getting crap from her employer. He has the employees making out personal checks to him for their health insurance, the amounts vary wildly and are not written on their pay statements. She has worked for them for almost 8 years. I have never pried into her and my sons business.
I just happened to be around when she was presented with a HUGE bill for insurance. And my son came home from his job and came unglued. And they were arguing in front of me, which has never happened before in their 5 years of marriage, 3 years of which they lived with us.
Anyway, emotions bring out words, and the truth. My DIL wants to stay here in Hawaii. She wants to start her own wedding planning business. She wants to give it a year. She wants my support in this, as babysitter and jack-of-all-trades. (I sew, cook, arrange flowers, drive, haul, and can even hold my own as a photographer.....)
She has been doing that for the past 2 years and then got demoted to bartender. She thinks it is so the owner doesn't have to pay comissions on the weddings. She is still helping with all the weddings she booked, but not getting the commissions. The new gal isn't getting them either.
If you look on Yelp my DIL has nothing but praise for all the weddings she coordinated. Anyway, She feels like we should stay here for a year, and see what happens. And then if things aren't going anywhere, we can still move back to the mainland.
I had an amazing sense of this being the right thing to do. I can rent a place, and move on. But I don't have to leave behind the place I have grown to call home. And can hang awhile longer with my BFF. My friend had her big scan yesterday. And they saw something, put her in a different machine, did more scans, scared her and now she has to wait a few days for the results.
I want to be here for her for as long as I can. The first time we met I knew we were going to be friends forever. (Who couldn't like someone who had a forget dinner, just bring your favorite dessert party?!?)
Anyway, I am feeling better about all this. I took papers to the lawyer today. And didn't even cry. I actually dismantled a bunch of stuff. Packed up all STBXH's beer mugs and put the box in his closet. I also put in a few things I bought that were eagle related, because not only am I not a colonel, I indeed don't want things around that were/are all about him.
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Making out checks to her boss for insurance? That does sound very fishy. I would inquire to any governmental office that deals with work related issues, whether that's okay. I can't see how that is.
I think your instincts to stay are spot on. I say, go for it. (Not that I have a say, but if I did, that's what I would say.)
Take care, Wendy.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I would start with the Department of Labor and go from there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
