And let's have a toast to the death of the old marriage.
I think you are on the right track don't you think?
Yes I do! I'm not in bits for the first time in 3 months I'm not feeling crazy emotional anymore.
I know we all say it but I've accepted it now. If it's over it's over and there's nothing I can do. All I can do is work on me and look at me.
Quote:
What are those things? Put them here.
In the past 7 months I've dated we've all talked about this. On a few occasions I've had first dates with men that intimidated men. We're talking one who owned his own software company and had frequent dealings with overseas bands in the Carribean and another who had two companies and was head of development for a national company. And they were active, involved with their kids, good looking, funny....so what did I do in 10 or 15 mins I told them a crazy story about something I'd done in past....something that has no bearing on who I am now. Later I was like WHY did I do that? Because I was intimidated and thought they'd reject me anyway so I told them something to shock them and push them away. I'm not going to do that. I am good enough for anyone. I didn't grow up with money (H did) but I don't need to be intimidated by it.
Dealings with H: He texted me to say he'd be over this morning to pick up S. He got here an hour earlier than he needed to. He played with the dog and chatted to S. He asked me for ibuprofen, he had a hangover. (it's very out of character for him to drink especially on a week night)
I had the news on and the weather presenter was doing the report from a place we'd visited. He said hey we've been there. And S said where is that? He said remember we went and I took all those pictures. I got loads of you and your mother. Your mom was getting sick of me taking pictures in the garden. (I laugh) He says those are some of my favorite pictures of you. You were right on the verge of amusing me and getting angry. You look so cute when you're angry you were all like this and made a face. (I smiled and said NOTHING) He said all this very warmly and fondly. It didn't really affect me. I noticed this and wondered what he was trying to achieve by telling me this story but I said nothing and it didn't really make me feel warm and fuzzy. Just a bit confused as to why he was saying this.
He commented on my weight loss...my jeans are baggy. He brought up a lot of stuff I'd put on FB. Just random things...the film me and S watched last night. I didn't initiate any conversation. I just didn't feel like I should I work to make his stop off here enjoyable. (is that the right thing or the wrong thing?)
He told me he'd been driving thru xx city last night (where she lives now and where I'd mentioned moving to lower my rent) and was thinking about "you and where you'd end up" I said where I'd end up? thanks And he said "you know what I mean...it's just that there's some nice parts. But you only have to go a block or two and it goes downhill" I told him that I'd decided I only needed xx amount to be a bit more comfortable and that I had a plan of talking to my boss, etc. (from other clues he said I gathered he went to GF's last night, got drunk, spent the night there, came here in the same clothes then changing and going to work. It's THURSDAY. Grow Up)
He said I've got xx amount in my pocket, the gas light is on and it's 4 days until payday. Rock and Roll Lifestyle and he was laughing. I opened my mouth to say something and closed it. He said what? And I said "I was about to offer some unsolicited advice and changed my mind" He said no say it.
So I said "Your bills actually went down. You should be okay if you were to budget and not drive so much (he has a sports car that has horrible gas mileage) Make a budget have a look at what you have to spend. You could do it"
He said yeah it would just mean....not doing anything.
I said "just more nights in." (This is a man who did nothing when he was in a M. Now he's got a GF he's out doing stuff to the point that he can't afford to pay his own bills so he's going to move in with her.) "Plus I think you'll feel (I wanted to say good about yourself but I didn't) a real sense of satisfaction when you stick to a budget and you get to the end of the month and you think I did it all on my own."
I showed him a picture of a car I'd seen that I liked that I didn't know what it was. He didn't either and he was said "look at you getting into station wagons. Very good taste. I really like that. It's really cool" (I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing but he seemed surprised that I was looking at that car)
I think this is the first time we've interacted that I was really distant. I wasn't super friendly, I certainly wasn't flirty. He asked if I was coming with them and I said "no, I think S wants you to drop him at school after." Last week I would have gone. I would jumped at the offer to spend more time with him. Not now.
I realized this morning that he met her at the end of Feb, moved out of mine for a few months and is talking about moving in with her. In 2005 he met me at the end of Feb, moved out of his ex's for a few months, and moved in with me at the end of May. We got married that Dec. I know that our R was a lot different than his ex's. But it makes you feel like you don't matter that much, you're pretty replaceable, maybe your R didn't mean that much because he's moved on so quickly....then I realized that's how he felt when I told him about CW. For him the hurt and betrayl came with the phsyical for me it's the emotional committment. So I think I understand it a little bit better.
