Needing some guidance... 3

[jks]

Well, I sent H the email and told him to call me tonight after he read it. He called me and basically he is still on the fence about everything. He has such a funny way about telling me things and then later I pick his brain a little more and it starts to come out differently. I am constantly asking him to clarify what he just said now because I am so tired of thinking I know what he means.

So, yes, Accuray... you are absolutely correct. I never doubted you, to be honest. I just needed my H to clarify because I am not going to listen to him say these things and get my hopes up when I know full well that he is "showing" me otherwise.

The race obviously is not the reason he is waiting so long to end the R with OW. But I mentioned to him that he very much made it sound like that was his driving force. He said, I can see how it would have come across that way. Communication issues... they never cease!!

I asked him if he felt like he was "in love" with her and he said sometimes he does. He said he does feel very strongly for her still. He said he has no idea what he's doing and he knows this isn't fair to me.

I asked him about the Gala and how he mentioned that he didn't feel like he was there with his girlfriend. What did he mean by that? He said, because he feels like I am still a part of him. That we have so much history together that its hard for him to put that feeling towards someone else. And it's also one of the reasons he can't file the papers for D.

I told him, it seems like nothing is going to happen unless "I" do something... meaning if I file. Ultimately, is that what you want me to do? He said, no.

He did mention that he feels like he's now starting to see things more clearly and he is now able to see a future with me. Whereas before it was impossible for him. He says there are little things here and there that remind him of me and he misses those things but doesn't know if that's enough for him to want to work on a R with me. He's still so afraid that things won't work but, yet, he can now envision in his head that it could work. Babysteps on that, I guess.

He gets confused on whether he is missing his kids or missing his family or is he really missing me? I think he just wants so badly for something more to be there with me and because he's still so attracted to OW and enjoys her company so much, how does he just end it with her? This is why I'm constantly saying, he has made THE biggest mess. No married man should be in this position. He should never have even allowed himself to become as close with her as he did, even as friends. But what can I do about it now?

The whole time we were talking, he was very nice and we were very cordial with each other. He had to go back to work but told me he would call me tomorrow. He also mentioned that he knows OW wants to talk with him because she can tell that something is up. I asked him what he was going to say to her and he said, I don't know. I'm guessing this is going to be happening tomorrow.

I did also ask him if he was going to continue sleeping with her and he said, I don't know.

Isn't this just lovely? GAL, jks, GAL. This still could not end very pretty for me.