New to DB

[25yearsmlc]

the no contacting the kids is not that unusual. I found that it did NOT mean my h didn't care. I think he ached for their hugs and goodnight kisses. But he blocked them out b/c of his shame.

I can relate A LITTLE to that b/c when I joined the Army I had to leave my 15 month old son w/h and my mother. I'd be gone Mon-Friday and during the week I did NOT want to call and chat with son or hear about him from h...why?

B/C I so sorely missed him. I'd get very depressed when I'd talk to son on the phone and say "see you soon, in 3 more night times"...I missed him/h MORE then and I'm sorry to admit it, but it was harder for me to call and contact than it was to try and shut it out til the weekend came along, when I could "make it up" to son and h.

I believe my H felt guilty as a father even if he justified things as a h. His r's with our children esp our d's, were damaged. I won't pretend they weren't.

They have healed SOME but not all, yet.

My GUESS is

your h would kill/die for his kids

but right now he's chosen to fulfill himself as a "partner" and whatever other baggage issues he came to the marriage with are also blooming...

what if he feels shame? What if he thinks you'll do more R talk?

I don't ask to make you feel worse but to see that HE may have his own fears and shame to deal with...

so what can YOU do? Detach...big time. Work on YOU.

When he calls or contacts you-keep it about the kids. And upbeat stuff that he'd wish he'd seen (you want to give him something to miss, like the homerun your son hits or the song your d sings, etc)

...no complaints from YOU about how THEY miss him...let them tell him and believe me, they will.

Your GAL activities will be noticed too. Being optimistic about your life and your new plans and do some things that he would not expect you to do (but which are authentic for you-nothing fakey. This takes practice. Nothing wrong with rehearsals!)

I auditioned for community theater and got cast and met new interesting people. Also did stand up comedy, took a cooking class, a French conversation class, learned to cross country ski and use an ATV, and got a new job.

This greatly intrigued h, more than I knew at the time. But i did it b/c I needed to feel better about ME and MY LIFE...

and I think you get this point and the way to focus your energy. Not on your h, but on YOU and creating a happier life for you AND your kids.

They need you now more than ever...so letting go of the anger/pain helps THEM too.

Good luck and hang in there. REMEMBER This is a marathon, not a sprint.