Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

I have let a lot of that go. He is responsible for his illness and how he decides to treat it. I can support him, but I can't be responsible for it. His feelings, actions, reactions and pain aren't my fault or responsibility. That was a huge weight off my shoulders when I realized that.

Hugs. You can't make him happy. He has to do that for himself.

Yes, thank you for this! I read all my old emails to/from him over the last 3 years. I can see exactly with OW showed up, his cake-eating, his switching over to wanting to be in the marriage, his wavering, his switching, and then now. So frustrating because it's inconsistent. The only consistent thing was that he has been doing this for 3 years. Maybe he was planning it, then gave up. Maybe it's a long process. Who knows. But here I still am, regardless of that answer.

I've been thinking of the 180s again... what could I have done differently. What was his complaints. He said I was nice, I was a good mom. I was supportive. I also got stressed (handling everything will do that to a person), I started feeling stressed about work Sundays and got moody myself after H didn't want to do anything together, and I couldn't keep up with the demand of his wanting me to start a business, handle the house (by myself), work full time at a job that I only do because it paid a lot (and he became resentful of it), and raise a child (with no daycare). How could I succeed at that?

I also saw that I was so nice to him in his emails, complimenting him, appreciating him, and during the OW 'fascination' (coinciding with his 'winter') he would only answer in one or two words. Other times, longer. I also see that I asked several times in the last 3 years if we could adjust our schedules because what we were doing didn't feel right to me (I felt isolated and that I couldn't see him often).

I don't want to be in that marriage again where I brought up my concerns and it was swept under the rug. I guess he did have the 'balls' to end it, like he said. But at the same time, I wish I would have been 'heard'. I never threw down the ultimatums.



Does anyone find that WAS avoid you? I was trying to guess that maybe out of embarrassment of their actions, but then I realized it's trying to read into it, and I don't really know why... so why make up a reason.

So the day is complete. No emails, no texts, no phone calls... in either direction. I'm leaving it up to him to initiate as I hear divorce = space. And me calling, emailing =! space...
3 days ago he threatened me with getting served at the end of this week. Well... here we are and I haven't heard a peep about it. I'm leaving for the SW on Friday (which H doesn't know about).

I have quite the ambitious schedule to get the house up for sale. The realtor is coming next week for a first walk through. Fingers crossed that I'll be ready AND that the house can sell at a price I can get some $$$ out of to begin the next phase of my goal which may not happen until legal aspects are worked out.

(I was told today that I'm just creating ambitious (but doable in my opinion) plans to distract myself from reality, and that in the end, it will hit me like a brick. People shouldn't get divorced (if it's heading that way), move, change jobs all in the same year.
I was thinking more like 'Finally, I have the world at my fingertips, and I can do what I want. I own it now.' (and I *LIKE* moving.)

Any good R book suggestions for me anyone?