I find it confusing when Accuray tells me that I'm doing a good thing regarding the tv/snoring issues by setting boundaries and leaving the room, while Oldtimer is telling me that I'm punishing him for his sleep apnea and withdrawing.
Are you telling me that this makes sense to everyone else reading this and I'm the only one that doesn't get it?
Really????? So Oldtimer was actually saying that punishing him and withdrawing was a good thing and that I should do it??? Because I REALLY didn't get that out of it.
No, I think there was a little over-posting going on. I spelled out a confusion of mine and you said it made perfect sense. I tried to tie the two together to make sense out of it. That's all.
I don't know what I'm taking out of context. As far as I'm concerned, the topic was my H falling asleep and snoring while watching a movie, but expecting me to sit there anyway. To that topic, Accuray posted that my setting boundaries and leaving the room was a good thing. To that same topic, Oldtimer said I was punishing him for his sleep apnea and withdrawing.
You indicated to ME... that you do not watch movies with your H any more...
Although... you indicate that you watch movies with your S... and your H happens to be there...
You mention that your H... whom you apparently do not watch movies with, unless he happens to be there with you and S while you are watching movies with S...
*deep breath*
That your H falls asleep... and it bothers you...
You mention to Accuray that you do not like this of your H, whom you do not watch movies with... Accuray indicates that you should mention this to your H and set a boundary that you will not watch movies with him IF he falls asleep... and the consequences being... IF he falls asleep, you will leave...
My take on OT's comment was... it appears that you are watching movies with your H... whom you have suggested to me that you ARE NOT watching movies with your H, any more... in order to catch him at falling asleep... that you are even engaging in watching movies with him... so that you can prove you are right when he DOES fall asleep... ultimately, punishing him...
I see in OT's comment that you need to stick to the boundaries as you and Accuray indicated... your H has sleep apnoea for goodness sake... so you blame him for his apnoea... which IS fixable... yes... and now he IS choosing to "fix" it... and still he falls asleep... and still you are mad at him because he has sleep apnoea, is trying to "fix" it, and at 57... he's falling asleep watching a movie with you...
oiy vey...
I can't believe I'm going to hit the submit button on this post...
Confession time... when he falls asleep, I wake him up, repeatedly, scares the crap out of him. I figure I'll annoy him as much as his snoring during the movie annoys me. Plus, there's always the slim chance he'll actually keep his promise and wake up and watch the movie.
i've been reading through some of your thread - not all, i confess, so i don't know the whole story. but from the little i've read - i'm sorry but maybe everyone else is too nice here - but with this kind of attitude - what EXACTLY is it that you are expecting?
your h to change? your marriage to work?
i understand you're the WAW spouse here - but i really don't get it!
seems to me that you are mean , the way i used to be mean to my h before he walked out on me.
i don't hear any softness, or love or appreciation for your h. maybe i'm wrong and picked up the wrong message here, but i wonder if you thought about how your actions are coming across to your h, and maybe his behavior has something to do with that?
waking someone up just to get back at them? could he be exhausted from the emotional strain he is under living with your anger and resentment. people sleep when they are emotionally exhausted too.
i don't really know what it is you want? do you want your marriage to be better? what are you doing to make it better? you want him to do all the work - well where does he start, without ANY "give" from you?
i know you've said that he doesn't respond when you ask him, and i know that can be very frustrating, but maybe you are not asking in a way that you can get through to him.
i can't understand what your position is - are you a WAW who wants to fix the R, or are you a WAW who doesn't. if it's the first - how are you going about it. from where i'm standing as an LBS, i am figuring that my WAS is going to have to give me a pretty strong indication that he wants to work on our relationship. how could you be giving him that when you are being cruel to him? (i'm referring to the way you wrote "scares the crap out of him").
i know that i am reacting also from my own frustrated feelings - i don't mean to attack you, and i really hope my post doesn't sound terribly angry. i think you just touched a nerve when i read that above sentence that i quoted from your post.
i sincerely hope that you can find some clarity here for yourself - and i would love to hear back from you -
thanks zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
First, just to clarify, these are rentals, but I assume that's obvious since I suggested I would go watch it in another room.
Second, when asked if I watch movies with H, I wasn't including watching movies with S. That is different across the board. We (the 3 of us) even go on vacation together. I do my best to keep things normal for S. I do not do one-on-one-vacations with H. Sorry if I didn't make that clear in this post. It has been discussed in the past.
Really, all this because I don't get the value in having someone in the room while you're sleeping, and thus my choosing to leave? I don't choose to leave S during his movie, he's awake. I do choose to leave H, he's asleep and snoring. I enjoy a movie more without snoring in the background. How my enjoyment equates to punishment is beyond me.
