My story started March

[I-Care]

Labug-
thank you yes in general that is probably good advice. My situation is different. From my first post I have said she is sending mixed signals. One minute divorce the next 5 min later Yes maybe someday I will be home enjoying my bath. She is very confused. I am unclear on how to not talk about future and and have hope. Its just a weird deal

[YankeeCandle]

Icare, I too have a S who gives me mixed signals. I've learned not to take them too too seriously. I think it's more a sign of how confused they actually are. The coin can land anywhere - when it finally does.

the best thing to do is to Get on with your life as best you can. there will be moments/days of longing and sadness - believe you me I know - but it gets bearable eventually.

I am so glad I just got on with my life, and am creating something for myself. My H is still dilly-dallying - I'd be a total basket case if I waited around for him. I still don't know what he wants - he doesn't know what he wants.

So while they are trying to figure themselves out, take care of yourself.

I don't email or text him - unless he's asked me something. So it's more like I simply respond. I have tried to minimise pursuit as much as I can - it is not easy.

[labug]

A lot of people send mixed signals, it's really not that weird.

Has she said to you "I want to work on this marriage"?

That's the signal you need. Until then, let go.

[MrBond]

Your story is very similar to the majority of the ones on here. After I looked through your thread, I noticed that you never really did go into detail about what you and your W had issues about each other.

I mean you make it sound so casual, yet you say that she doesn't trust you for the business, the kids, etc. Women don't do that unless something really bad happened or at least the perceived something bad had happened. It might help to really detail your marital history.

Maybe you're not fixing the RIGHT things. The things that matter to her.

[I-Care]

Mr Bond so glad you showed up. I have read a bunch of your posts.

She is worried because I have always orchestrated the moves in our family. She is very capable, but she fundamentally is worried I will get more than my share. Not my fault at all. I have never squandered money. Actually I am the saver. She does little to no saving. I am a builder, she is a worker. She is very good. Just saying. I guess the unknown is scaring her. Just like the unknown of us and our family is scaring me.
I never really was in trouble with her all those years. She is very easy going. Has done well in business for that. I had no idea how much things where bothering her. I keep hoping she will wake up one day and say our life was pretty great. She just wants space and to do things on her own. Our kids are almost gone. Sometimes I wonder if this is a bit of MLC. She also gave me I love you but not in love. Just a few things to occur at once. A perfect storm I guess. Maybe thats what I should have named my story.
Our issues are basically communication completely got shut down. I do not know how this happened. I should have went to counseling. I know now. I am unsure what is going to happen next. Also she just got off a HCG diet worked about 60 hours a week and then talked herself in to that I never loved her appreciated her. Told me every negative thing I ever did. She complained I didn't hug at the airport after being gone a couple weeks. I eventually said you know you never hugged me either. She does not want to hear reasoning. She just wants a pity party. I know that is not very friendly for me to say. But shoot, some days I just get fed up with hearing how bad a person I am. Both my kids are great, great grades driving good friends. I have done allot right.

[MrBond]

"basically communication completely got shut down. I do not know how this happened."

Then you haven't learned anything. Have you actually LISTENED to what she's saying now? I don't mean the nonsense spew she may be saying but even the small little comments may have a nugget of truth. It will give you clues as to what is bothering her.

"She is very capable, but she fundamentally is worried I will get more than my share. I have never squandered money. Actually I am the saver. She does little to no saving. I am a builder, she is a worker. She is very good. Just saying."

I think I see a fundamental problem here which you don't even realize. You sound as if you trivialize your W. And you make your efforts sound more important than hers based on your expectations on how things should be.

For example - when you say that you are a saver and she does little to no saving. That's a dig against her. So she wants to spend every now and then. Who doesn't? But it sounds like she didn't have the freedom to do so without you commenting about it.

"I had no idea how much things where bothering her."

She probably tried in different ways but you didn't want to listen. Just like going to counseling. Usually that would be a red flag that something's bothering her. But you dismissed her. What person likes to have their feelings dismissed?

"I keep hoping she will wake up one day and say our life was pretty great."

That's how YOU see it. I can see from just the post above why she felt the way she did.

My suggestion. Really start looking inward. Put yourself in your W's shoes and understand that if you were her and she dismissed your needs, how would you feel?

"and then talked herself in to that I never loved her appreciated her."

Another example. She TOLD you that she felt you never appreciated her. And it's obvious you didn't.

"She complained I didn't hug at the airport after being gone a couple weeks. I eventually said you know you never hugged me either."

What are you 4 years old? A woman wants to know that she is missed by her man. A hug wouldn't have killed you. Plus, here AGAIN she is telling you what's wrong but you're not LISTENING.

"She does not want to hear reasoning."

No. YOU'RE the one who doesn't want to hear listening.

"I just get fed up with hearing how bad a person I am."

Too bad. You are at fault here. You just don't want to take any responsibility by doing any deep deep soul searching on who you are as a person. You say that you've changed but you haven't.

"Both my kids are great, great grades driving good friends. I have done allot right."

So has she. You know she's had just as much of an influence in their lives as you have. Start giving her credit and actually appreciate her.

[I-Care]

Mrbond

I very much appreciate the words. I have seen those words on several of your posts.(which means I already used that, I will continue) I have looked inward. I have been to counseling for 9 weeks. I saw another specialist last week. I am her number one fan. I have told her this thousands of times.(maybe it sounds as if I am trivializing which I really do not feel that way.) I would love to go to counseling and have a third party help in our dialogue. As far as not hugging. It was a 40 hour flight across the pacific. And quite frankly we never hug. We never hold hands. She is not a touchy person. I am the touchy one in the family. I am not very good at forums or texting. I am way better in person. I am a talker. This is why it sometimes feels like MLC. She is worried we are not going to be happy, the kids are leaving, and maybe life is passing her by. I will gladly hold her hug her, She never wanted that. IDK We start family counseling next week. I need to let this thing play allot longer. Divorce may not be the end for us. Like I said in first post she divorced me once.
And another thing. It is absolutly not my fault if she wanted me to make decisions, She valued my insight very much.
Our marriage was very much a paretnership. And yes she did feel this way, until one day she didnt.

As far as communication got shut down. We argued when we agreed. This wasn't all the time but it did occur. This is also why she is worried I will get more than my share. She doesn't understand. I would agree with her but she would get confused or did not understand then argue. I would say I am agreeing. There is a part in one of the Divorce books. The story of the father talking to the child, The kid keeps asking same question and dad gives s reply. Finally dad looks at wife and says I cant believe he asks the same question. She replies I cant believe you give the same answer.
But frankly I have been listening to NUGGETS. That how far I have come. It is not shut down now, I get conversations and texts.

What I need to do is recognize the small conversations accept those, be patient, and move on.

You said your relationship seemed very casual. Yupp, Thats right. It was mayberry till it wasnt. She got her heart broken and now will say and do anything to be on her own. My specific question today was about the mixed messages. Last night she said for sure divorce. 5 minutes later yes maybe someday she will be home enjoying her tub.

I guess I got my answer. I will reread the post a few. Then I will do like I have been doing. Moving on with my life. Letting my childeren know I love them. And when my w wants to have dialogue try even harder to not ask for more than she is willing to give.

I have read allot of your rightings. I have several nuggets from you printed out. I used several of yours and others back when things were tough. Days are better now. Some days harder than others.
Her and I talked quite a bit the last two days. I have learned. I do realize I push or ask to much. I really just need to let her play out this.

[MrBond]

"She is not a touchy person. I am the touchy one in the family."

It's not the physical act she wanted. It was the thought behind the act that she wants. She wants to know that you are there for her.

"She is worried we are not going to be happy, the kids are leaving, and maybe life is passing her by."

Mind reading. Only she knows this.

"And another thing. It is absolutly not my fault if she wanted me to make decisions, She valued my insight very much."

That's what you think I'm sure she wanted her voice to be heard too sometimes but maybe felt overruled by you.

"She doesn't understand. I would agree with her but she would get confused or did not understand then argue."

Maybe the way you communicate to her is what's confusing. Just because you know what you're talking about doesn't mean she does. Maybe sometimes what you thought was agreement was just her giving up. Just the fact that you used the example of the father talking to a child shows unconsciously what you think of her.

"It was mayberry till it wasnt."

That's what you think. She doesn't. You don't understand that the WAS thinks about this for a long time and it's not an overnight thing. It takes years of hurt on the part of the LBS for it to get to that point.

[I-Care]

Yesterday was an alright day. She did come to me and let me hug her and a small kiss on cheek.
I pushed to far. I really need to accept the small gestures and be happy.
We are doing counseling next week, she is very happy about that, and so am I.

[MrBond]

IMHO you didn't push too far.

Here's what I think about your sitch. Your W wants to feel valued. She wants to be shown that she matters. That what she thinks matters. That what she feels matters.

I think she's trying to reach out to you in little ways but is afraid of how you'll view her and she's afraid to seem weak.

So my suggestion is that when she seems sad or lonely, just give her a firm hug and when she asks what that was for, just tell her that it looked like she needed one and then just walk away as if it was no big deal.

I would suggest doing little (very little) things for her that give her the impression that you're still around but allows for her to do her own growth.

So when she does something that she's proud of, tell her that you're proud of her and it must make her feel good for doing it. Build up her pride in little ways. Think of it like trying to steer a massive ship. If you turn the wheel too hard it will tip over. But if you do little turns along the way, it will turn smoothly around.