CV, you seem to be under the assumption that your H is somehow blissful and unaware and really wants to be in the M...
What I think you are confused about is your belief that your H wants to stay in the M... I am not sure that he DOES... and if you ask him, he might just drop the bomb on you and tell you that he loves you but he's not IN love with you... and that he was waiting for the right time to leave...
So you have completely stopped watching movies with your H? If so, for how long has this been?
I've watched movies with S while H sleeps on the couch. Otherwise, I watch movies I like, usually without H. We haven't shared a movie in a long time, can't remember when.
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So that was a general complaint that we all have about life, then? Nothing unique to your sitch?
General comment, nothing unique. Sorry if it sounded like I was implying otherwise.
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OK, so this was in the past... not sure why you brought this up, then... I was actually asking about things in the future... ie. From this day forward. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
It was brought up in the context that H is still complaining that I didn't go. I don't plan to go to similar events in the future.
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That's nice of you to think so highly of yourself. Have you actually had any overt requests for intimacy by another man? Or is this just something that you THINK could be possible?
I can't read if you're being sarcastic, but yes, I have been directly propositioned, several times.
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So, you "allow" him to eat the food you cook?
It's just there. I'm not the keeper of the food. If he wants a grilled cheese and apple sauce for dinner, he's more than welcome to it.
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Oh, your status still indicates that you are in separate bedrooms. I remember now that you moved back into the bedroom.
Yes, I should change that. My S is also 12 now.
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That doesn't really answer the question. And it encompasses the cooking question, to some degree.
Is there a food item that your H will buy, that you will use for yourself or vice versa?
Yes, for example, milk and eggs are used by everyone. I buy mushrooms, he does not eat mushrooms, nor does he buy them for me.
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When can you ask him about things that he's noticed you've changed?
Maybe tonight, though he seems pretty offish. (((He doesn't like questions like that so it might not go well. He also might just tell me he'll think about it and get back to me.))) I started to type this then stopped typing it, then decided to type it anyway, just so I could say that I recognize my negative attitude. So instead, I'm just going to say I'll ask him and I'll let you know how he responds.
CV I think u are clueless my lovely WAS. See the LBS was /is just as unhappy in the M. The difference is that the WAS pulled the plug 1st. And the LBS was left wondering what happened with the end of the movie. Today's LBS is tomorrows WAS. Be careful what you wish for.
I was speaking generally. Maybe because there are so many LBS's here and not that many WAS's. I'm not wishing for it, but if I was that unhappy and H pulled the plug first, I think I would feel kind of relieved. I've experienced that in relationships before. It takes the stress out of being the bad guy, or eliminates "the bearer of bad news" when it's good news for both. It also lets you walk away as friends because both of you want out and no one feels rejected.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
CV, you seem to be under the assumption that your H is somehow blissful and unaware and really wants to be in the M...
What I think you are confused about is your belief that your H wants to stay in the M... I am not sure that he DOES... and if you ask him, he might just drop the bomb on you and tell you that he loves you but he's not IN love with you... and that he was waiting for the right time to leave...
You're right, he could be lying, but he says he wants to. His actions are actually what makes me question it, because he knows how I feel and doesn't really change anything. If you're suggesting that maybe he doesn't, then why hold on?
We've run the whole gambit. At one time, I was making plans to leave. At another time, our counselor suggested he move out. Now we've settled into at least staying together until S is out of the house. We have separate finances already so there's no risk/advantage there. What we do with the R between now and then is the issue, for me anyway.
Remember back when we had these conversations before?
Remember how I ended up saying that I didn't think you were ready?
I still believe that... I still believe you are not ready. I will say that you make a darned good verbal dance partner, though. It reminds me of my young years at Ukranian Weddings when we'd do the kolomeyka and I'd get all dizzy.
What is the last conversation you had with your H specifically about your M and whether the two of you would "work" on it?
I do remember, but I still don't know what it is I'm not ready for. If I remember, the closest I got to your approval was when I said I was living for me and didn't give a rip how he felt about it (something like that.) It did help me, it did not help my M.
So what is it I'm not ready for?
Oh, and our last convo was on Monday. He told me (swore) again he would never give up on us. I just don't know what that means since he never seems to do anything.
Aren't we spending an awful lot of effort talking about him? I thought I wasn't supposed to do that.
Does talking to us here... sound vaguely familiar to talking to your H about what is wrong with your M? IOW, do conversations about the M go nowhere with your H? Kinda like they do, here?
Hmmm, I'm really thinking on that. I'm trying to sort it out because it's exactly the same topics (eg. sex, grad party, etc.) so initially it looks exactly the same.
Some yes, some no. He doesn't say much. If I ask a question here, I get responses. If I ask him a question, he often doesn't say anything. Or, worse, he ignores my question and asks one of his own (sort of like what you're doing.) I do get frustrated with him (like here) because I feel like I'm asking a direct question and I don't get a direct answer. They do cycle around (ie sex) because we don't land on an agreeable solution (which is tough when one wants 'yes' and the other wants 'no.')
Eventually, the conversation ends because someone storms off angry, or H apologizes and promises to address my complaint, or I just get tired of sitting and staring at him waiting for a response. He also has fallen asleep during a convo before; that ended it.
I will say they do not end in a conclusion for the solution to our R issues, which is as close as I can relate it to this site beyond what was said above.
And I will follow that with saying, "you aren't ready, yet..."
CV, you have had many of this site's absolute BEST working with you. And they have either given up or stormed off, angry and/or frustrated.
What is the common denominator?
If you follow... I am not intending to be mean or derogatory.
What I am saying is, there appears to be a certain "mind set" that a person gets to when they want out of a M... but aren't willing to do the work to do so...
You appear to be at that place...
You SAY you want to work things out...
Yet from the perspective of many, you do not appear to want to do any of the work...
then you say you are confused...
and that you'd like directive...
and you are getting that... in many different ways...
from people on BOTH sides of the fence...
I do not know when or how a person in your sitch gets from where you are... to where you might end up... actually ready to do the work...
For now, you do not want to engage the M... and you do not want to leave the M...
We call that "cake eating"...
You appear to be sitting on the fence...
When you wish to get off, we will be here... we always will be, regardless...
But in the mean time, it is probably a good idea to spend another month or two back where you were GALing... figure out what you want... what new life and adventures you might have in the future... with or without your H...
It was serving you and I suspect can continue to help you clear things up for you... so that you can really be confident that you know what you want...
and then do what ever it takes... what ever necessary steps... to get what you want...
