Feeling a bit better today, although still quite drained emotionally and mentally. For some reason after yesterday's counseling app't, I half expected H to call me later last night. He didn't. I know he was at the house earlier today while I was at work...when I got home this evening, the garbage was put outside which he must have done. But otherwise, its been a quiet day.
I was talking to a coworker today about the whole thing. She remarked that it seemed like in my M, our roles were reversed quite a bit, as though I act more like the man and H is more like the woman. I'm not a big fan of reducing people to gender roles, but in a way, what she said was kind of comical to me, and perhaps there is a grain of truth in there somewhere.
I've been thinking a lot about the issues I have expressing anger. It seems as though this has been an ongoing theme in my life...definitely some unresolved stuff that has carried over into my relationships, and marriage. What's been most difficult I'm realizing, is my inability to effectively express my anger has a lot to do with how the M has deteriorated. Instead of addressing the things that have disappointed or angered me with H, I shut down and then behave in passive-aggressive ways.
Its one thing to be able to recognize these things and it's going to be quite another thing to actually DEAL with them and make the changes that desperately need to be made. I have to find the strength to break this life-long pattern of not dealing with problems as they arise and finally allow myself to feel and work through my anger.
On a more positive note, I'm starting to work on some GAL stuff. I've become such a homebody over the years...pulled away from friends and what not. I always used the excuse that I deal with people and their problems all day at work that I preferred spending down time alone. Not healthy or a very balanced way of living. So I've joined a few local meet-up groups and am going to attend a women's empowerment group for lunch this Sunday. I think its important I start to reach out to others, socialize more, and develop new friendships. Next on the list is rejoining my gym.
On some levels, I'm at peace with this time apart from H. I truly feel it was necessary and regardless of the direction things end up going, there's so much potential for growth here.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
