When it's a one-way street...part 5

[Crazyville]

Well, Cr@p! I was really hoping I could scan through all of my posts and look for anything that had "but he" and have something tangible to analyze. Since I only found, like two, I suspect you were speaking figuratively.

Would you be willing to experiment with sex... without a partner?

Of course, it's all I've got. Again, I'm not a cold fish, but I would prefer an attentive partner over going solo.

Could you watch a movie that DOES NOT interest you?

I have before, I don't anymore, I've learned not to waste my time. I do enough things that I "have to" to impose that on my recreational activities.

How would the graduation party look for you, regardless of your H's involvement or not...?

Completely stressful, very uncomfortable, not something I would care to do under any circumstances.

Now what?

[~ kd ~]

Good... as for the "now what"... please answer what duties you are "performing" as a W?

[Crazyville]

But for all intents and purposes, you might as well practice being single... and allow him to experience that...

I did that for about a month when I wasn't posting. It was fabulous for me as far as feeling good about myself and GAL'g. Also felt very ripe for having an affair (for either of us,) not someplace I care to be for long.

What "wifely" duties are you still doing?

Everything I would do if I was single, nothing more. (I was answering this as you were posting.)

Oldtimer, I wish you wouldn't go. I had asked a couple of questions that you hadn't answered that I'd still love to have your input on. One was your claim that my leaving the room while H is sleeping through a movie is punishing him for his sleep apnea and withdrawing, while Accuray described it as a healthy boundary and encouraged me to do so. Could you at least comment on that? Maybe a few of the other points if you have a chance?

[~ kd ~]

Are you currently taking care of your sexual needs? If not, will you research and acquire any necessary supplies to do so?

So why do you watch movies that you do not like?

You mentioned doing things that you "have to". What are those things that you "have to"? They appear to be things that you don't want to. Is there any way for you to NOT do them?

Regarding the graduation party, if it is not something that you want to do, then why are you doing it?

What part of "living single life" do you feel put you at risk of having an A?

You mention that you are doing nothing more than you would if you were single. Of course, I realize that means "Single Parent".

Do you not cook for your H?

Do you clean his bedroom or wash his clothes?

Do you shop for him in any capacity?

[Crazyville]

Are you currently taking care of your sexual needs? If not, will you research and acquire any necessary supplies to do so?

I am.

So why do you watch movies that you do not like?

I don't.

You mentioned doing things that you "have to". What are those things that you "have to"? They appear to be things that you don't want to. Is there any way for you to NOT do them?

Working? Paying bills? Funerals? No, I haven't figured out a way to not do them.

Regarding the graduation party, if it is not something that you want to do, then why are you doing it?

I didn't go.

What part of "living single life" do you feel put you at risk of having an A?

Again, because I'm not a cold fish, and because I'm not completely unattractive to guys. The attention is enjoyable, and I don't suspect they're looking for a Bridge partner.

You mention that you are doing nothing more than you would if you were single. Of course, I realize that means "Single Parent".

Do you not cook for your H?

I cook for son. H can eat if if he wants. There's no line drawn in the pantry or refrigerator.

Do you clean his bedroom or wash his clothes?

We are currently sharing a bedroom. I pick up my things, dust and vacuum. He does his own laundry.

Do you shop for him in any capacity?

We both do grocery shopping as needed. Plus, we like different foods.

And, yes, we have done this dance before. I would love to get to the finishing steps, please?

[Crazyville]

So after 5 months of hard boundaries, ignoring calls, thinking and protecting myself.. I finally learned something...

... it wasn't about what worked for her, it was what worked for ME.

So NOW my new actions are what works for me with no expectations of wife or reconc.

I am nice because I want to be. I am firm because I want/need to be. I respect her because that's how I want to treat her. I set boundaries because I am worthy of respecting.

See the pattern - the spotlight is on me.. not her.

I now understand that in order for my W to want to have sex, she needs quality time and conversation from me first. She doesn't derive connection directly from sex like I do, it needs to be built up in advance, in ways that she appreciates. I'm motivated to try to meet her needs in the relationship because it makes me feel good to do so. That's why I'm married to her.

Can someone reconcile these two posts please? They seem contradictory. Two LBS's, two completely different approaches to their WAW's.

[~ kd ~]

Are you currently taking care of your sexual needs? If not, will you research and acquire any necessary supplies to do so?

I am.

So that's taken care of. OK.

So why do you watch movies that you do not like?

I don't.

So you have completely stopped watching movies with your H? If so, for how long has this been?

You mentioned doing things that you "have to". What are those things that you "have to"? They appear to be things that you don't want to. Is there any way for you to NOT do them?

Working? Paying bills? Funerals? No, I haven't figured out a way to not do them.

So that was a general complaint that we all have about life, then? Nothing unique to your sitch?

Regarding the graduation party, if it is not something that you want to do, then why are you doing it?

I didn't go.

OK, so this was in the past... not sure why you brought this up, then... I was actually asking about things in the future... ie. From this day forward. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

What part of "living single life" do you feel put you at risk of having an A?

Again, because I'm not a cold fish, and because I'm not completely unattractive to guys. The attention is enjoyable, and I don't suspect they're looking for a Bridge partner.

That's nice of you to think so highly of yourself. Have you actually had any overt requests for intimacy by another man? Or is this just something that you THINK could be possible?

You mention that you are doing nothing more than you would if you were single. Of course, I realize that means "Single Parent".

Do you not cook for your H?

I cook for son. H can eat if if he wants. There's no line drawn in the pantry or refrigerator.

So, you "allow" him to eat the food you cook?

Do you clean his bedroom or wash his clothes?

We are currently sharing a bedroom. I pick up my things, dust and vacuum. He does his own laundry.

Oh, your status still indicates that you are in separate bedrooms. I remember now that you moved back into the bedroom.

Do you shop for him in any capacity?

We both do grocery shopping as needed. Plus, we like different foods.

That doesn't really answer the question. And it encompasses the cooking question, to some degree.

Is there a food item that your H will buy, that you will use for yourself or vice versa?

And, yes, we have done this dance before. I would love to get to the finishing steps, please?

We can, and we will...

Brit had asked a question about how your H would see how you've changed and you listed a number of things...

When can you ask him about things that he's noticed you've changed?

[~ kd ~]

So after 5 months of hard boundaries, ignoring calls, thinking and protecting myself.. I finally learned something...

... it wasn't about what worked for her, it was what worked for ME.

So NOW my new actions are what works for me with no expectations of wife or reconc.

I am nice because I want to be. I am firm because I want/need to be. I respect her because that's how I want to treat her. I set boundaries because I am worthy of respecting.

See the pattern - the spotlight is on me.. not her.

I now understand that in order for my W to want to have sex, she needs quality time and conversation from me first. She doesn't derive connection directly from sex like I do, it needs to be built up in advance, in ways that she appreciates. I'm motivated to try to meet her needs in the relationship because it makes me feel good to do so. That's why I'm married to her.

Can someone reconcile these two posts please? They seem contradictory. Two LBS's, two completely different approaches to their WAW's.

I personally do not see them as being different or disparate...

Although, I will point out that Val's M is dead... Accuray is in piecing (ie. they are BOTH working on the M).

But the underlying aspect is, both Val AND Accuray are living the life THEY CHOOSE... as opposed to living their life under fear or guilt of their spouse...

I believe that the context of Accuray's point was the general belief that a woman needs emotional connection to desire sex whereas a man needs sex to become emotionally connected...

So in all fairness, the context is different therefore IMHO there is not really a fair connection between the two...

[Crazyville]

Just venting some thoughts here. Regarding the LBS vs. the WAS and why I think it's relevant.

The WAS leaves because they can't stand the sitch as it is. Usually, they believe the LBS would take them back because they were previously happy, or at least not unhappy enough to leave. Unfortunately, the WAS doesn't usually want to go back because they have no reason to believe it won't just be more of the same-old.

The LBS is often clueless, even happy in the M before the WAS leaves. They have a vested interest in getting the WAS to return so they can get back to the happiness they had before. Not that it was perfect, but again, obviously not bad enough to leave.

If the WAS returns voluntarily, what is the motivation for the LBS to do anything different? Why would the WAS return if it was likely going to be the same as before? Could it potentially be detrimental to the R if the WAS reengages prior to the LBS doing the 180's?

[Rick1963]

CV I think u are clueless my lovely WAS. See the LBS was /is just as unhappy in the M. The difference is that the WAS pulled the plug 1st. And the LBS was left wondering what happened with the end of the movie. Today's LBS is tomorrows WAS. Be careful what you wish for.