New Day Rising

[greatwhitenorth]

Sent my reply.

"Hi H. I'm doing great, thanks, and hope you are too. Saturday afternoon doesn't work as I already have plans. Could you please be prepared to take the last of your things next time you're here? All the best. W"

I didn't mention the boat.

But you know, I give my head a shake sometimes when the whole situation snaps through, kind of like an old slide projector reel where I picture myself at BD and then the moments forward from that. Absolutely wailing in the backyard on the phone with my sister. StepD sobbing at my dining room table when she realized what her father had done. Learning how to frame and insulate a basement (still haven't cleaned up the job site). Having to replace a sump pump. Using the snow blower for the first time. The dark times when I contemplated ending the pain for good. Buying an air pistol because I was so scared out here by myself and had no idea how I'd protect myself if I had to (the airforce base commander who was convicted of rape and murder, among other things, was fresh in everybody's mind and the headlines). And so on. And at those times I wonder WHY WHY WHY I am entertaining the idea of reconciling a marriage to someone who had complete and total disregard for me. Why?

Is it because I love my husband, which I do, and loved the great life I thought we were building together? I forgive him for what he did, as in I no longer wish him harm or dwell on the monumental cruelty with which he treated me when he knew full well what I'd be stuck with on his departure. Forgiveness doesn't mean what he did was alright.

I have never unleashed on him. Ever. Maybe I should have.

He lies with ease to protect himself, betrays seemingly without a second thought, and hides who he is from everybody. But before I knew this, and before he did what he did, he treated me well. He just didn't share of himself, with anybody as it turns out. I believe he's capable of changing, but I also believe he's too scared so he won't. He'll just keep on running.

One of the canned knobs of bs he said to me was "I stopped growing as a person, we stopped growing as a couple," whatever that means. I know with absolute and profound certainty that this whole experience has made me grow as a person in ways I never thought I would have to.

I wonder if H has grown, but somehow I doubt it. Things need light to grow, and light doesn't shine on things that hide. So to speak.

And in the amount of time it took me to write this, he has replied. "Hi W. When are you free so I can move the boat and also free so I can pick up the last of my stuff. Glad you are doing well. H"

He can wait for my reply.