CV, take a good look at the process that Brit went through to get where she is now.
I was very interested in her sitch, asked her what turned it around for her. Unfortunately the answer was sort of vague, just that he changed his attitude and she thought she was going to lose him. I was hoping for something more specific. I've actually posted on the WAS forum hoping to get more insight into others' successes.
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Please stop focusing on all the cr@p that your H is dishing "on" you... because that is only your perception...
It is your perception that has you stuck...
A lot of what I see still, is circular conversation that comes back to what your H did TO you...
Hmmm, thinking, but not getting how to talk about a R without talking about the other person, too. I spend a lot of time in my posts commenting about myself, any moreso and I WOULD sound completely narcissistic. Would it help if I only used "I" statements? Wouldn't think so, so I'm not getting what you're looking for. Would it work to tell you I don't want to watch a movie with H without telling you why? Or that I'm not having sex with him but not telling you why? In that case, the 180 would be "H wants more sex, start having sex with him." It would make him happy, but then I would be right back where I was before. If I just tell you that I don't want to have sex with H, then "I" am the problem, and the solution is to somehow warp myself into liking one-sided, humiliating sex. If you've got that recipe, I'm at least willing to listen, just out of curiosity if nothing else.
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Change the game so that he not only wants to continue to be with you... but would climb mountains and cross seas to stay with you...
I don't think you're that person he would do those things for...
sadly... I don't think you WANT to be...
because in your mind... you still didn't do anything wrong...
I did lots of things wrong, I could give you a list (think I already have.) Correcting those things now (me doing a 180) is actually making matters worse. Like sex -- accepting his lack of attention for all the years I did was wrong on my part. Correcting that and refusing to do so anymore is a problem. Not for me, for him. How does that make me the person he "would climb mountains and cross seas to stay with?" It doesn't. Another -- I over-invested in his children. I tried to connect and have a close relationship with them. That set off their mother and all hell broke loose. Now, I purposely have a distant relationship with them, cordial and polite but not invested. H has a problem with this. Does this make him want to climb a mountain for me? Don't think so. If I need to go back to being the person I used to be, then you're right, I don't want to be.
I do understand that you are having trouble trying to relate to a lot of what others are talking with you about in your threads.
I am hoping that Brit can provide you with another perspective as one currently going through her sitch and somewhat further along than you are.
From what I understand, she really has been where you are. Trying to decide what to do, how to make it work, the frustrations...
I believe she actually was where you are... trying to figure it out... trying to make it work... but her H just wasn't doing anything... nothing was getting better...
and ultimately just giving up and leaving...
now... she really thinks that she didn't actually give it a shot...
she appears to be understanding that while her H has some things that he would be better to figure out and "fix"...
she has looked inside and understood that a lot of what was "wrong" was her own perception of what was wrong...
that... CV... is where I feel you are...
I am sorry, but I do not believe you when you say you have looked at your responsibilities in the sitch...
Because as Brit suggested above... anything that has to do about YOU changing... and the challenges associated with that... should NOT begin with, "but he..."
There remains a huge amount of "but he..."'s in your posts...
I posted earlier on that. At this point it's more a matter of not wanting to be D'd with all the baggage that entails. Plus, what spouse doesn't want a happy M? I'm not a cold fish.
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What would he say you've changed thru out the M even if it's in reaction to him?
- I don't want to do things with him. - I won't engage deeply with his children or extended family - I don't want to have sex anymore. - I do a lot more of the things I always wanted to do, without him - I'm messier than I used to be. - I'm not as giving as I used to be - I never entertain friends at the house with him. - I garden a lot more than I used to. - I don't try as hard to be a good W anymore - I don't make as much money as I used to. - I complain and criticize him - I bring up his past mistakes - I don't trust him
Honestly, these are my thoughts on how I've changed, and they're all true. But you've peaked my curiosity and I might actually ask him that.
I just wanted to mention that you remain a victim, CV...
Okay, KD, I'll bite. I hate the victim mentality, at least in others.
Can you take one of my examples and tell me what it would look like if I didn't have the victim mentality that you perceive I have? I don't do well with 50,000 foot applications, which is why I need something specific. Perhaps the sex? The movie watching? The graduation party? I don't care which, any of them.
she doesn't want to upset her life (home, neighbors, routine) or her S's life. however, i think their lives are very upset in the "family" they have now. i know i couldn't live like that. it seems to be a sellout...
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
"Oldtimer, I'll hang on to the WAS title for now."
You might ask yourself what you are getting from hanging onto it. You cling to it, you wave it around, you shield yourself with it, it is your magic cloak of denial. Powerful thing, but not doing you one whit of good.
And now it is time for me to remember that sometimes "The only winning move is not to play."
