I don't believe I've read that one, though honestly, I've read so many they all start sounding alike. It has become a real frustration for me to read how it's supposed to work, and then have it fail continuously.
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You do sound really upset with your H. Do you like him? Not love him, but do you like him as a person. What is it that you like about him? Can you make a list?
I love him, but I don't like him. I've made that list before, and the list consists of everything he is to everyone else. If you were a neighbor and knocked on the door for help carrying something heavy, he would drop whatever he was doing to accommodate (including dropping me.) If you needed money, he would give it to you (out of my funds.) If you invite him to a fun social event, he will be there (even if it means canceling what we had on the calendar already.) He'll have your back (even if it means lying to me.) He'll do anything for his kids (including going against my wishes to accomplish it.) He is a great friend for the most part (as long as you don't complain or criticize or hold him accountable to what he promised or expect anything deep from him.) I know this because I have witnessed it repeatedly. I've thought for many years that I would rather be his friend than his W. From the outside, I thought it would be golden to be M'd to someone that thoughtful and considerate and serving. I didn't know I would just be his means to be that person to everyone else.
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At the end of my M, H was so used to nothing every being right or good enough he stopped trying. I stopped expecting. All we did was get trapped in this cycle where we really didn't like each other.
We're there. So WHAT is good enough? If we schedule a date night and go out to dinner and he sits and watches the ballgame the whole time, should that be good enough? It doesn't fulfill me in any way, I would prefer not to go with him in the first place and go with a GF instead. At least there would be interaction. It seems like there are a lot of books, and a lot of posts on this site, that depict how it's supposed to work (certainly in the context of 180's.) When that isn't happening, how does the receiving spouse make it "good enough?" I really need this answer, because I went our whole M frustrated sexually, but trying to accept it as "good enough." (Yes, I asked, yes, I instructed, no he didn't oblige -- just to catch anyone up on an old topic.)
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If you don't think you can treat him with compassion, love, kindess then that needs to change. You need to figure out why you can't find any kindness and it can't include "Because He..." It will be about you.
I do treat him with compassion, love and kindness. No, I don't have sex with him, though I am sleeping in the same bed with him because it's what he wants. Beyond that, I do. I don't particularly enjoy it. I don't invest a lot of energy or creativity in doing so. It's very unrewarding, like handing money to a drunk, just so they can drink more. But I do, because that's about me. I'm just not willing to continue to compromise my boundaries in order to do so. In a healthy R, I shouldn't have to.
