Needing some guidance... 3

[jks]

I am going to continue to let his actions show me. He is most definitely going to have to prove it to me. And I really do think that if he changes his mind again, I'm ready to be done. My date last night made me realize that I really can find a R with someone else. I am worth so much more than this.

One of the biggest reasons that he isn't ending things with her right away, from what he told me, is that he is running a relay with his sister, dad, friends from work and her in three weeks. He said he doesn't want to go through ending things with her and messing up the relay for everyone else because they have to have 12 people to be able to participate and everyone has already paid... $100 per person.

I said, well, can't you find someone else that can run her leg? He said she has gotten so close with everyone on the team and planning the event that he doesn't want to take that away from her. He didn't say this, but I know that he also doesn't want to miss out either especially since his dad and sister are doing it too, otherwise he would drop out.

So I was just talking with a friend and she said, well, this is his chance to really show you. Taking that first step and making a small sacrifice for his family by finding someone else to do this race would be a great way for him to show you and, yet, he still doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and make things awkward for anyone. My H suffers from the "Nice Guy Syndrome" in a major way.

I feel like its not my place to tell him that he can't do the race or that he needs to find someone else to take her place because then that just shows me being controlling.

Accuray, I do get super emotional, however, I really do think that my H understands why... I even said in our conversation that I'm sorry I get so emotional when I talk to you and he said, you have no reason to apologize. I can't even imagine what you're going through.

Sometimes I feel like hiding emotions, hides the truth. I really have come a long way in suppressing down my anger and not jumping to conclusions with him. I am really trying to keep an open mind but also stay grounded knowing that I have a lot of great qualities to offer someone and if H really can't appreciate that, it now is his loss, not mine.

But as far as getting a handle on it, the only thing that has helped is talking with friends or family about it or posting here. I know I have more work to be done on myself though. I will never forget what got me here and why. It will constantly be a work in progress, I don't want to ever take it for granted again.

Mr. Bond, to answer your question... I think the thing that helps my H the most is when he sees me happy. Smiling, having a good attitude and being playful. Our M really lost the playfulness which is so important in helping people continue to feel "in love." Its something that he hasn't seen in me for a long time and I'm realizing that I hadn't seen it in myself either. It often feels foreign to me to truly laugh and enjoy myself. I'm focusing on this. Putting myself in situations that make me happy and make me feel good and surrounding myself with people that make me feel good.

In fact, when I called him today... I was very upbeat and friendly. I know he misses that in me and it affects him greatly when I do it. So that is one thing I've really been trying to change.