This may take several responses. I really appreciate everyone throwing in, brutal honesty or not.
Per oldtimer's suggestion, I took the N quiz. I scored 4. That isn't to imply that I couldn't still have some blinders on, just that I'm not a qualified narcissist.
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In brutal honesty CV, I do believe that your image of your husband is so poisoned at this point that he can do no right. I understand it annoys you, but falling asleep and snoring while watching a movie at home could be viewed as a fairly minor infraction right?
Yes, Accuray, I also believe my image of him is poisoned. Falling asleep, even snoring during a movie, is NOT a major infraction. I wasn't suggesting that the action itself was. I was trying to point out that my issue was with his insistence that I stay in the same room with him anyway. I get the unspoken message from him that his comfort/enjoyment is more important than mine, even when he's sleeping and completely unconscious and I'm fully awake. This is the same issue with his complaint that I was sleeping in the other BR because of his snoring, even though I slept better there.
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It does feel to me like you have a very distinct set of expectations for what a husband should be, and you feel he falls short on virtually all of them.
I DO have a very distinct set of expectations. I do feel he falls short on virtually all of them. My list is very short.
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Is it fair to say that you're not really looking for anything to change, you're mainly here looking for support in ways to cope?
I would take any suggestions for change or coping or both. I will likely filter some. If someone suggests that I wrap myself up in cellophane and seduce my H when he gets home because that would get his attention, I'm probably going to reject that one. If someone suggests that I ask him a question, to somehow better understand what/why/etc, I would me more than happy to do that.
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Your situation frustrates me, because I would love to learn if there was anything that would be meaningful to H to motivate him to better meet your needs
ME TOO! Give you a million dollars to find that out (well, if I had it I would.)
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and if he were to start to do so, if you would give him a chance.
I feel like we got a glimpse of that when you complimented him and he then went out and fixed the side of your house. That whole episode seemed very positive, but it didn't seem to have any legs to it and didn't keep going.
It never has legs. Honestly, I wouldn't immediately jump on board, because he has no endurance. He's good for about 3 days of something. Now, if you could get him to consistently do anything for one month, then I would be all over it. (And before you ask, yes, I can and have implemented changes for months, even years.)
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I would guess that he is also hurt and frustrated.
Yes, I'm sure he is. This ties back to what I was trying to understand in regards to being hurt or frustrated because someone doesn't do something for you that you want them to do. His sense of entitlement is lost on me. He is NOT hurt because I did something he didn't want me to do (ie. cheat.) He is hurt because I won't do something that he wants me TO DO (ie. watch a movie with him.) Your suggestion of having boundaries results in my H feeling hurt and frustrated.
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One interesting exercise might be to think about how he would describe your marriage? What would he say about you and how he is treated?
Would you agree with his characterization? Would you care? (I think you would)
Right now, he would say that I don't like him, which is true. (And also confusing why he would still want me to be/do something with him. I don't generally like to hang out with people that dislike me.) He would also say that I criticize him all the time. (Per a suggestion some time back, I ask him daily if he felt like I criticized him that day, and he says I didn't. I've been doing that for about 2 months?? He would still tell you that I always criticize him.) He would tell you that I don't like sex. (Not true, I just don't like frustrating sex.) He would say that I'm very cordial and respectful and courteous, but that he feels like I don't want to be in the same room with him, which is also true. These are some of the things I would think he would say. Would you like me to ask him? I believe I know, but it would be an interesting exercise to see if he would answer it for you.
