Didn't think I'd have to come back...

[FreeBird0120]

H held me last night and again this morning in bed, but he's still so distant. I asked him this morning if this was something he still wanted to do. He didn't answer right away but squeezed me tighter. I said, "Your silence scares me a little." He said, "If I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be."

Then later on before he went to work he asked me why I asked him that. I told him that I felt he was being very distant and that I knew he was dealing with some pretty heavy issues, and that I want to be there for him, and that if he felt like he couldn't do this, that I didn't want him to feel obligated or stuck. I said that I want nothing more than to fix us and work on us, but that if it was something he couldn't do that he needed to let me know.

He was just quiet, and I asked him what he was feeling. He said that he just felt lost and alone. That he didn't know where he fit in or where he belonged. His medication is messing with him and he feels like crap all the time. I told him that I wanted him to know that I love him with all of my heart, and that I would love for him to feel happiness again with me and his kids standing right beside him. I could tell he wanted to say more, but he couldn't. He said he has no one to talk to, and I said I was here for him. He told me that I have my own things I'm dealing with right now, and this is all he knows how to do...shut down.

I don't know what to do to help him anymore. I am still dealing with all of my issues with everything that has happened he is correct, but I am still here for him and he knows it. I can't force him to talk to me, I can't force him to be happy with me and I can't fix this by myself.

I feel like to never say or do the right things for him. But unless he talks to me about what he needs, then I will never know.

I too feel so lost right now...I'm trying to hold on with everything in me, but my strength is at an all time low and I just don't know how much more I can endure...