I made it a goal not to speak of anything concerning her infidelity for a month. So far I've marked 27 calendar days with acting cool about it.
My next goal is to fight all doubt, insecurity, etc that is associated with what happened. There are days (like this morning on the way to work) where I expect to find her still fooling around and I need to walk out. I get real anxious and angry sometimes. I start working things out in my head with how it will end and what I will do - when, not if, it happens.
I also need to work on my suspicion. This is also a tough one because I easily read into a lot of things that are somewhat out of character for her. If she texts instead of calls, I assume it's because she's not where she should be. If she says she going someplace or to meet someone out of the norm I assume she's seeing her old flame. Paranoia. It [censored]. And it [censored] a big part of my energy.
But! I try to show only positive attitudes towards everything she does. I'm trying to show that I want her to have her space and be a person outside of our marriage. Today she is going to visit family. Did I wonder? Hell yeah. This isn't a person she usually visits. This is the second time going there. But I will let her and not question. She can do what she wants and I will not put a leash on her at all. I will be upbeat and tell her she needs to get out more.
The problem is though I start feeling extremely anxious. Trying to control these doubts and fears should be my next priority. I need to force them out and be happy for what's going on between us. We are together. We have some really good days together. We still kiss and cuddle and make love. We still hold hands and slow dance on occasion in our living room. We still take walks together and talk about our weekend plans. Sometimes she's genuinely passionate to me. When we fight about something we make up.
One day when the girls were gone I made the suggestion to go out and walk on the railroad tracks up to the store. It was a couple of miles away and the tracks snaked through the woods. We didn't have a clue if they were the same tracks that go to where we wanted but we did it anyway. We were wrong. The tracks took us out of the way and we had to backtrack and find where the branched off. We found the right ones and heading in the right direction. By the time we got to where we wanted to go it was getting dark. So we walked back on the roads. It was an adventure. It was fun. But the whole time I felt like my wife was out of it. She had been this way for days now and my heart was aching for a closeness I wasn't getting. She wasn't as approachable as she can be so I had to keep my distance and give her the space she needed.
That night we made a decision to create a family bucket list. We wanted everyone to write down things to do together that are close by and didn't cost much - if anything. Two of my suggestions were camping out, even if it's in the back yard first. And to walk this local trail that's about 8 miles long.
If you've read all this and can help me, I do have something on my mind about this current situation.
If she is seeing someone else, or at least talking to someone else, would she still want to be close to me and as affectionate as she is sometimes? I mean, sometimes she wants me real close and touching and kissing. Sometimes she asks me to lay my head on her lap while we watch TV. Sometimes she wants me to just hang out with her while she's working on one of her projects. I always comply and never make it negative in anyway. But I wonder if it's because she's really needing me because of love or because of guilt.
Me:42 W:43 M:03/08/98 SD17, D13 Found out about affair:12/16/10 Found out again: 06/22/12 Split: 06/22/12
