My Marriage

[MrD]

24.5 years ago I met my wife, after a short dating period, I asked her to marry me. Her saying yes was the was one of the happiest moments in my life.
I came from a small rural town to join the Navy and she was a big town girl. We enjoyed sharing our stories and experiences. Our two families styles were like vinegar and oil, it bothered me a little but they seemed to get along ok.
After the navy schooling we moved to CA for 5 years, I did 2-6 month deployments. It was tough on our own, we had fights but always made up. After my 6 years was up we decided to move back to her home town and she had her old job back and I found a great job. We bought our first house, a fix'er upper for what we could afford. Times were still rough, but we still enjoyed our life together. I picked up a hobby for myself and she focused on her job. But we still found time to share new experiences and adventures together. Then after 13 years had passed she told me one afternoon she was pregnant with our first. I was a dad and now she was a mom just like that. Things got very busy then, saving money and looking for a new home was all new for us. We found a new home near her folks and had to live with them for a month until the house was finished. While there our first son was born. During that time her dad and I didn't get along so well, we tried to avoid each other. I felt he drank too much and he felt that I didn't give my wife enough support. Since he was at the bar all the time I felt he didn't know what I've done to help. But right after our our first son was born, that all went away. I was a dad and now he was a grandpa. We really connected after that. I still felt like he drank too much, but I still relied on him for advice, even though he was not my wife's biological father. My wife's mother on their other hand, I felt was a perfect role model for my wife and was extremely helpful for us.
About a year later I lost my job due to the 9-11 economic times and went almost 9 months without work. My wife was still exceeding at work and doing very well. I persuade getting a pilot license and found a mediocre job that lasted about 6 months. Then I got a job that involved lots of travel and she was promoted to a high level position job that required lots of time and we started to see allot less of each other. Weekends were still family time but became burdened with her work she brought home and I started to have work more and more weekends with travel. It was helpful having her family to watch our oldest, and to unwind when I was home I'd go out flying to relax and our sex lives started to drop off significantly. We did hardly nothing together.
5 years later our second was born and shortly after that her company merged with another and she lost her job. Money was very tight then and we were in big trouble. I was stressed with the increased work and travel and she started to let herself go physically and our sex life dropped off to none at all. I continued to go out flying to relax and she just did homemaker stuff. I gave her dirty looks when I saw her just laying on the couch all day and I played with the boys less and less. She organized birthday parties and all the family stuff and I just participated when I was home. Four years of this went on and money became a big problem, we almost lost the house twice and then her father passed away.
The day of the funeral in the car we had a big fight and left my wife at the church with the two boys alone with all the rest of the family and went for a long walk by myself. I thought about our life and what I would do next. I regretted what I did, but couldn't face her family after that for a long time. My wife started leaving me job possibilities circled because I had started hating the amount of travel. I despised that thinking she should get a job also. But finally after my job was bought by another business, I found work with a large stable company working third shift. It was a bit of a pay cut but the benefits were better. Little did I realize that now my time with the family was even less and we had lost the home we had to foreclosure. My wife's mother stepped in to help us out and bought us a new place to live and we would take care of my wife's 95 year old grandma and until we got back on our feet my mother-inlaw would pay just the mortgage.
Things were getting better I thought but my working third shift made weekends tough to change my sleep schedule and my wife tried to make it work for us. Then I started to take up another hobby and worked all night long on the weekends in my home detached workshop and felt good about occupying my time with the new hobby while I was awake and the rest of the family slept.
Then about a month ago my wife went out with some really old friends and came back late stating that she felt that we both felt that we should separate.
I was Shocked!
I pleaded what happened, and she said that she thought I felt the same as her. I disagreed and she said why don't you think about it overnight and she went to bed.
The next morning I told her I didn't want to break up and I'll do what ever she thought I needed to do. She said it was too late and that I should talk to my family about starting new.
For the next week I pleaded and cried and told her that she was my life and I couldn't live without her. Durring that week I saw her one afternoon drop off our youngest from school and there was a guy in the car with her I've never seen before. Horrified, I calmly asked our youngest who he was, and he said it was mom's new friend. I panicked and called my mother in law, she was shocked also and said she would have a talk with her.
I then found out his name and who he was then googled his name. He is a boyfriend she had before we met and was arrested in another part of the country for spouse abuse then moved back here to live with his parents. I confronted my wife about this and she said he was an old friend that she was just sharing feelings with and there was no sex. She agreed to try marriage counseling, but that wasn't enough for me. I asked her to not see him anymore until we worked our marriage out. She couldn't promise me, but said she needed space and time to think. I couldn't do that, I started talking with her mom about our situation. Her mom agreed that I should not plead with my wife and give her space. I couldn't just do that I started having anxiety attacks and writing letters about my feelings and started to put my life on hold loosing lots of sleep and becoming obsessed with wanting to know where she was and what she did all the time. I was going crazy.
I noted the following things now that I have noticed:

1.At the same time she tells me we should separate, an old boyfriend shows up.
2.She starts taking better care of herself
3.Starts wearing makeup
4.Buys sexy underwear and wears cleavage showing clothes
5.Locks her phone and always tries to hide it
6.Gets contact lenses
7.Takes long shopping trips with little to show for it
8.Tries to find out my schedule and plans to be away when I'm awake
9.Is buying presents all the time for the boys
10. Avoids communicating to me in family or public conversations
11.Doing long job interviews and I haven't seen her take a resume
12. Lots of PTO activities suddenly
13. Found left over Cannabis joint in her sock drawer

I started to talk allot with her mom about my feelings and consulted with her all day long instead of sleeping. She suggested I see a doctor for an anti depression drug and a personal counselor. Which I gladly did and has helped.
Then last week I find out we are in big financial trouble still, we are late on all our bills and there are credit cards opened without me knowing. I talked with her mom about this and there was an intervention between my wife and her mom. She's taken over our finances and helping us again.
Last Friday when I had told my wife I was meeting some friends for lunch to network for a new job opportunity. My wife said she had a doctors appointment as well. I left a little early thinking she was up to something and waited across the street from her old boyfriends parents house hoping not to see her stop by. Less than two minutes later I see her pull up.
That was the worst time of my life, my stomach twisted up and I confronted her. She was shocked that caught her and I sped away and she chased me until she realized she was late for her appointment. I found out from her mom that after this had happened, she asked her boyfriend to go with her to the doctor for some health issues she had. I was angry and confused.
Over the weekend my wife has stopped texting I love you in our "text" communications and I've been spending time doing stuff with our two boys.

I've read the book DB-ing but have a hard time sticking to a plan.

[MrD]

Today I really messed up, I told my wife that I was throwing in the towel and looked to move back to SD with my brother in the morning and after watching my oldest play baseball I decided to change my mind. This really confused my wife. Now I wonder if she wants to continue marriage counseling and how I will practice more patients. I don't like playing head games. 

[MrD]

Last couple of days been getting better. Noticed starting yesterday she was leaving notes about where she went. I've been leaving them untouched.

[MrD]

Oh! Forgot to mention I've got two job interviews both are first shift!

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board.

She is asking for SPACE, give it to her.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

[Brit45]

I would really suggest you read How to improve your marriage without talking about it. It really explains how men and women see things different and why you thought everything was fine and were blissfully happy with a new hobby.

I once told my ex I only went out with friends because he never wanted to go and he said yeah, you left me only so I could do my hobby. Err not the way I was seeing it.

She is not in a place to work on your R. If you push her on this OM, checking up on her, etc you're only going to push her further into the R.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. Talk to them not your MIL, not the rest of your family. You don't want to put them in a place of taking sides (even though it feels slightly comforting to think they sympathize with you) or making W feel like anyone's ganging up against her. Again this will only push her further into her decisions..

Someone will post the 37 rules or do a search they are a good plan to start with.

[MrD]

I've got the 37 on my phone to look at frequently.
DR book came in today, I like that a little more than DB book so far.
I really liked the marriage map.

[MrD]

Went out tonight to join a men's bible study class at a church I'd like to join.
Only to find that it had ended for the summer season.
But did find out the W had attended the three week course this past Sunday morning before services to join the same church.
What should I do?

[MrD]

I have one more difficulty. Since I'm working third shift at the moment, and the W is making herself unavailable when I'm fully awake. It's hard for her to see me in a good mood and active in my own pursuits.

[Michele Weiner-Davis]

MrD -

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