Quote:
WHY did you do this? Why did you choose to behave this way?
a bit of gardening with no phone and I think I've hit the tip of the iceberg.

I sabotage. I identified that earlier in a post about me having a good detached week leading to positive response from H that got me....right into crazy neurotic town. Why? because I sabotage?

And why do I do that? I was talking to a friend today about my weight loss (42 pounds as of today) I told her I was always naturally thin and then I was so unhappy in my marriage and other things that happened it piled on suddenly and I never got rid of it until now. I wanted to do but didn't and it always seemed like other people could lose weight but not me.

Why? because for some reason I don't think good things happen to me. I don't think I deserve to be loved. I don't feel that deep down I'm worthy of happiness. So if things are going good, I sabotage them because I know they won't continue to go good.

I also know I have control issues because I have a fear of vulnerability. Well I realized that during the change of heart. When he said it can't be on Brit's schedule, it made me realize I always have a schedule. In fact one of the reasons I loved him when we met is that he was so laid back, up for any schedule (with in reason)

I was scared he was going to leave from day one. Not an intense fear but a small nagging that gnawed away until part of me thought the sabotage was easier than the vulnerability. At first it was pulling away, steeling myself for the possibility, the not trying, the not planning things. We used to love to go camping. And I mentioned to him yesterday, you know I can point to when it went down hill it's when we stopped going camping.

Now I suppose the easy thing to say is that because of my past actions I don't deserve him. I never really did. And now he's found someone that does. Just wrap up all my self fulfilling prophecies in a big red bow and say there...you were right. Because there were times when I sobbed to myself about how I couldn't make him happy and maybe someone else could. But none of that will stop me from repeating this pattern in the future not just with him but with other things.

Even when I have a success at work or something I sorta feel like I haven't really earned it. That people are charmed by me but I don't really know what I'm doing. Or I'm quick to discount what it is I've accomplished as in if I did it can't be that big of a deal.