Thanks Bill I really needed to hear that. I agree with what you said....it did change the way he looked at me. You are right as well it will/would be a new R. Even he's said that. That it would have to be a new love story.
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Now when you were in WAW mode, he would have literally went through the mill, felt worse than he ever did, been so vulnerable, every action you took then, would have hurt him & it would have took a lot for him to get back on his feet. He's scared of going through that again Brit.
The entire time he said nothing. He supported me. He was kind. He never let me see him cry. (except for once when he was really really hungover and had had a horrible night) He always said he wanted me to be happy and only wanted my happiness. in this respect he's shown me what he wants me to give him. Because I feel so low I wonder if I actually have it in me. If I am that good of a person. I really want to be.
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WHY did you do this? Why did you choose to behave this way?
I don't have an answer for this .... not right now. And actually in a way that's a change. Because I think in the past I would try to explain myself...I don't know the answer to this not yet. I want to find it out. and I want to stop. I want to have a R with integrity. Because I don't know that I've ever done that.
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So is this where you quit? Is this the hill you die on?
No I think this is where I stop having the expectation that we'll get back together. I think this is where I pulled off the rose colored glasses that showed him as loving dependable spouse with no issues and me who just needed to show that I wasn't pushy. There is so much more.
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How long has is it taken you to come to see your part in this and own it?
a while. A long while. Maybe not until yesterday? Maybe not until now. And maybe everyday from now I'll recognize a bit more about what I did and what could have been done better and how I can be better.
I see him repeating old patterns. That confident guy who moved out with proclamations of being independent, making his own decisions, and not leeching off of anyone has slipped into old patterns. Looking at a GF to solve his problems, borrowing money from his mom, not living alone for more than a few months. I know deep down he doesn't want to be this person that it makes him feel bad inside. So he may wake up eventually...or not. Those all are his feelings and his deicisons. Which is what I meant when I listed those things and said that I have to accept that. I have to accept: not rage against, not try to convince, not hope and pray he changes his mind. I have to accept that right now he is advancing his R, he doesn't think he can get over my actions, he doesn't see his role in our R problems, etc.
I don't want to repeat my old patterns. Whether it's 2 years from now or 10 years from now I don't want to have the same problems with him or someone else.
Everyone here says it you can only control yourself. But you think yeah, but he might listen to me, or if he only saw this or if I did this. No I get it. I have to accept this is how he feels. And dwelling on those things that I can't change doesn't help me change.
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How much of his rejection will you take?
that's my fear. I don't know.
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You failed in your vows in the past, what is it that is holding you to them this time?
He told me yesterday that I'm his best friend and that no one knows him like I do and no one knows me like he does. And that I couldn't imagine how much it hurts him that I'm upset, that he can't fix it, and he's the cause of it. That he wishes he could clone himself and that guy could go be with me because he can't.
It's partly this. This attitude that I never held. And seeing him continue with this attitude contrasted to my actions in the past makes me feel like I would be a fool to say that I want to D this man. I never saw this man for the last two years of our M. I didn't think he was there anymore. He was cold and distant and I pushed him away too. It was a circle. I thought that's who he was because he never saw the problem when I tried to talk about it. He was convinced we were fine. But I see him again. He is still good and caring underneath. He still cares. I thought he DIDN'T care when he never said anything when I was dating or going out with friends or when I said I didn't think it was working...now I see it differently.
I told him that I want to be a better person in our situation and for myself. That I can't change the past. That I'm trying to listen to what he's asking of me (like with the sandwich) instead of pushing forward with what I think he wants. (this was a pattern we fell into not only because of my selfishness but also when I was doing anything to please him i would second guess what he'd say because he'd sometimes just say what he thought I wanted..it was a big mind game) I told him that I want to learn from our mistakes.
He thinks this is a stage. That he got through it and I will too.
