New to DB

[bustingout]

I am a teacher and a college counsellor. Over the past two years as I have interacted with students and parents I have felt so much pain for the students coming from broken families. The pain the children feel from either going from one home to another, or, unfortunately, when there is animosity between the parents. Some dads that live out of country, some moms that work such long hours that the children are pretty much alone. Sons that feel ‘responsible’ for their moms, daughters that feel neglected by their fathers.

This used to bring me to tears at school because i realised these children could potentially be mine one day. These could be my children that struggle with the failure of their parent’s M. And it drove me to continue trying with my H. To bring him back to the family home. I have not done that. I played my cards poorly. I think when there was a glimmer of light I pushed too hard too fast. SPACE SPACE SPACE. He ASKED FOR SPACE. Why was it so hard for me to see and understand that then?

I have not seen H for 2 months. He is with OW in another city working. After he told me he intends to pursue full PA with OW I stopped contacting him. He too stopped contacting me/kids too. That was my start of letting go, dropping the rope. And while I feel relatively strong, I wonder what the C&*P is going on. Even though he told me he wants PA with her recently, I thought he was already having one. I went through the emotions, pain etc last year. So two weeks ago when he told me I felt oddly unsurprised. I try and channel pain, hurt, fear in constructive anger as a motivation to keep dark, drop the rope and let him go. Do I want a D? No. But why is HE so dark? Not even a text about the kids? I have all of these images of them just being so happy celebrating their love that he doesn’t even find the need to contact his kids. That he found his bliss, his happiness. Maybe he did.

Anyway, he is supposed to come back and I don’t even know when anymore. It is kinda doing my head in because I want to DB him but cant! Although I have to admit me not calling or texting him for the past almost two weeks is DEFINETELY a 180 for me. So DBing in the dark I guess. But what is it going to be like when he returns? ARGH.

You know, being able to write here is such a relief. If I had found you last year I would be in a much better place already. Even the best of friends and closest of family members just don’t get it. The amount of people that just say ‘D him. He not worth it and move on’ etcetc. Really? You try it I want to say to them. You just break-up everything with a quick emotional decision that has lifelong consequences. Anyway. I am rambling. I am at work so I should go.