Woke up this morning. Cried some more. Thought a lot about what everyone has said here.
I look at my actions and I'm not proud for several reasons. But I think many of us can say that here. Rarely anything done during the break up of a marriage in the heat of emotion is done in a way that you can look back and hold your head up. My H did it as best he could and he certainly did it.
He held it all in. Did nothing. Said nothing. He did that way before we split up which led to him resenting me, being cold, impatient, distant sometimes outright nasty but in a P/A way and me acting out to get any reaction from him.
I've stopped coping with alcohol and male attention. I've started to take a look at my faults/issues. I don't want to be the person I was in the M, or how I dealt with the problems, or how I acted in the split.
I don't want to ever burden him with my regret, hurt, shame, confusion, sadness, or unrequited love. He kept saying this isn't fair and I think this is what he meant. I get it. It's mine. All those things listed above are mine. I have to deal with them. None of them are his fault anymore than the entire breakdown of our marriage was his fault. We both played a part.
I truly honestly don't know anymore if there will be a chance for us. I have thought so for the past few months. But now...I'm not so sure. He is swiftly advancing his new relationship, he believes there are things he won't get past with us, he doesn't recognize anything he did wrong just that we didn't work. He remembers more of the bad than the good. I think I need to accept that.
