this rocky path WILL smooth out

[zig]

i'm focusing on just having positive interactions with h - with NO pressure.

now when i am really pulling back and dropping the rope - i can suddenly see so much more clearly , all the little ways that i have been pressuring.

so since sunday, i've made an effort to watch how i say things - and just allow us to be around each other without him feeling any pressure whatsoever.

so this evening h and s called to get the compressor and i asked if they could come after i got home so i could get to see s for a few minutes . he definitely took that as pressure and was quite tense when he arrived, but after about 40 mins when they left, he was relaxed and more easy going.

so i am just going to focus on myself and where i add pressure to the situation. it is so subtle, and i'm beginning to realize that h's biggest trigger for feeling pressure is ANY implication whatsoever that s may be affected by this sitch or that i may have a hard time being separated from s. his guilt over this is so huge (him taking s away from me for a week at a time) that i think i just have to let it go.

now that h's uni is out for the summer and s won't be in school, there are no reasons really for me to see s for the entire week that he is with h, unless i ask or they offer. i'm a bit sad about that - as i had been able to see him at least 3 times during the week he was away.

maybe it is good - that way they might actually miss me!!

right now, s just wants to be with h 24 hrs a day - because they are working on the house together - dreamland for s.

i'm staying warmly open and involved, by happily discussing the house and all the building details with both of them - and the three of us have had really fun conversations about it in the last couple of days.

it seems that whenever i show ANY resistance to h, in even the subtlest of ways - that's when he withdraws. when i show no resistance at all, he seems to relax more. am going to try that for a while.

it is a bit confusing for where to keep my boundaries - my wanting him to call before he shows up is seen as me resisting him.

what do you guys think?

meanwhile - i am finding it easier and easier to let go of the outcome in my mind - when it rises, i find i can just switch to something else and say to myself, whatever.

i've been busy being a "real" photographer in the studio taking pics of my shawls and have got some gorgeous images.

and then today - amazing luck - h's sister, who is getting a shawl for herself to wear for her friends' wedding, well - the friend has decided she wants one for herself and one for each of her bridesmaids - so that's seven!!

so that's a great little thing for my little business - and i just hope i have enough time because they have to be ready by next week!!

so i'm tired, dealt with one of the worst migraines i've ever had this morning (which had me crawling across the floor, because i couldn't walk) and which gave me the opportunity to toughen up and understand, that yes, there really is NO ONE to take care of me, and i damned well better start taking care of myself - so that was a good wake up call for me.

i toughened up, and as soon as i could walk around, got ready and went to the studio and forced myself to keep taking the photos, and at the end of the day - well heck, i made it and i got way better shots than i thought i would

so all in all, i'm in so much of a better place here.

zig