Crazytown continues...

[hrm134]

Here's crazytown part one......

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2220117&page=1

The craziness continues.....

I'm having a VERY rough/emotional evening..... but I suppose I brought it on myself.... when will I ever learn..... To spare all the gory details, (sorry for it being so personal, again, but this is my life right now) I initiated something with H (which during this whole crisis he has been the one to)..... well.... I think my friend is right and there may be some performance issues.... cause I get lashed out at when things don't go the way they....uh... should.... so tonight he told me we shouldn't be doing anything, and he feels bad about it for days afterwards, he's just not into it anymore (which is funny cause the other night he kept saying how hot I am, also strange because the last time there was an issue in that area he used the same I'm not into it line, you'll have fun again someday, but not with me, I didn't respond and a few days later we were...uhh..."having fun" again). I told him I was sorry to hear that, and I didn't want him to feel bad, I thought we were just having fun. He said he didn't want me to get the wrong idea, I told him I don't have any expectations.

Later he came over to where I was on the computer and said he's already hurt me enough, he doesn't want to add to that and he shouldn't be initiating anything with me. I told him I'm a big girl. Then he said he didn't want to fight tonight but wanted to know if I had given anymore thought to our discussion from the other month. I told him I would prefer not to talk about it on a work night, he said ok and walked away. He came back a few seconds later and asked why I didn't want to have a discussion on a work night, I said because they are usually very emotional and we end up being up late and I would prefer to do that on a night where I don't have to go to work the next morning if that is ok with him. He said he understood.

This whole freaking thing just svcks (why is that censored??)!!! I know don't believe what they say, blah, blah, blah, no guarantees blah blah blah.... what exactly is the point of divorce busting with an MLCer when they are so hell bent on leaving?

I can not believe this is my life!!! I am so sorry for everyone who is going through this pain because it is the worst thing ever, and I would never wish it on anyone.... this is just so unbelievably fvcked up! It's amazing how selfish people can be.

I cannot win.... do something, say something, it's wrong... don't do something, don't say something,it's still wrong.... Now he wants to have another discussion..... that can never go well, he will throw a baby fit because I'm not going to give him what he wants..... I married a very stubborn man, I knew that, but this is ridiculous!!!! I mean really!! Face your issues already, stop the replay madness and deal!!! See that "I just don't feel an emotional connection anymore," is not a good reason to throw away all of those years! I'm not disposable, I'm a freaking person!!! And hello, Mr.I'm not depressed, depression can cause you not to feel emotionally connected.... just throwing that out there! But what do I know... Maybe it is all over.... maybe I'm the crazy one for ever having hope..... which I still do.... how dumb am I?? I just want this horrible nightmare to be over, I want the pain to stop, I want my H back, I want to be treated like a worthwhile human being and not the enemy, I want a fvcking hug..... is that too much to ask for?! I know 7 months, I should be somewhat adjusted to this, but today I'm not... sorry, I'm a train wreck... but that's ok because I am human. It just svcks that I can see what I did to contribute to some of this (and had to deal with my own depression) and now I may not even get the luxury of a chance to show my husband we can have an even better marriage than the good one we had before.... AHHHHH!!! I know I know, focus on me and get a life, I have been.... but night I'm not able to get back to my happy place.

Am I insane because I still don't want a divorce, because I still see how we could get through this disaster with a stronger marriage???

So much for the toothbrush (which, T, it was in the toothbrush holder last night, amazing I know, but was on the other side of the sink this morning.... he'll probably put it in his room now. lol) Just trying to lighten my crazy rant..... but if I don't vent here I don't know what I would do.

I'm just a scared, emotional train wreck tonight... like all things this too shall pass.... but for the moment it's a terrible, terrible place to be.... Waiter, check please!

Thanks to you all for letting me rant, as always I greatly appreciate it, and all of you!

[BklynMom]

Loved your rant. I have the same rant in my mind sometimes. Am I the crazy one for believing in us? We are not crazy, love is a choice. He is still at home that is a huge comfort.. Dont listen to what he says he is nuts.

[dl443322]

H, sweetie, this is tough stuff. Really tough. And I know it feels like a lifetime already. But, you are still early into all this.

It aint for the faint of heart. I know it is a double edged sword having an MLCer still at home. I did it for almost a year.

And I have to tell you that it was easier when he left.

That said, these people are in a life crisis. And he is hell bent on leaving because of that.

He sees you as the reason for his unhappiness. And until he looks within, he will remain hell bent.

H, it is important that he feels that you hear him.

Now, enough about him. I feel that dbing is really a map for how to live our lives. It's about finding out who we are and becoming the best us we can be.

So, while I know it is difficult to do while he is still living with you, it really is imperative that you begin to live your life.

Put the focus on you. Let him blow in the wind right now.

He needs to walk his path, you need to let him.

He is a scrambled mess right now. And trying to make sense out of his words and actions will drive you crazy.

So, back on your path you go.

You can do this.

[TSquared2]

HRM-- To H, it works when he initiates, because HE is controlling the sitch at the time...when YOU express your wants, he isn't controlling it...hence, the "performance", or lack thereof. H can't control what he is thinking or feeling deep down inside, so he "lashes out" for any control he can take (my W is master at this).

GOOD for YOU for pushing off the "discussion" and not backing down, and for having a reason no male could really argue with... You have pulled the male "compartmentalization of life" card on him... I wonder if he wont forget about it come this weekend, mlc'ers memories are less than optimal, as we all know....


So he found you hott, did something about it, somehow put his toothbrush where it belonged and left "his room" door open, then realized that he wasn't supposed to find you hott, or put his toothbrush in the holder, etc and he saw these blades of grass rustling in his mind and has scampered off into the weeds again...

Feral cat stuff...

I feel for you, I really do know, it isn't easy having the person we want there, within touching distance, yet they have "forgotten" we exist, reject us and/or target the heavy artillery at us...

Am I insane because I still don't want a divorce, because I still see how we could get through this disaster with a stronger marriage???

Nope, it about guarantees you are completely sane...sorry...

I loved your rant and can identify with it soooo much!

Now back to work...on YOU.

T^2

[hrm134]

BklynMom~ I'm glad you loved my rant, and glad I'm not the only one with those thoughts going through my head! I know love is a choice, but go figure MLCer's think it's some mushy feeling (gee teenager much!).... which is funny H was never all about feelings, but now this is how he feels, and he can't help that, and he has to go with what he feels (since when??). A friend of mine keeps reminding me of the same thing.... don't listen to him he's crazy right now she says. LOL I guess I just need to keep that in the back of my mind at all times!

Brookie~Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! You are so right, this is tough stuff, and these past 7 months have felt like a lifetime! I wish he'd hop on board the clue train right out of crazytown! LOL But I see if that is to happen it will be a looong time cause dear one's got some issues..... deep repressed, what can I go buy so I don't have to face them issues!


T~ Someday I'll remember it's all about control with my teenager.... um...uh... I mean husband... yeah.... of course your W is master at lashing out as is my H, remember they are sharing a script.... both pro bathroom bolters! hahaha

I'm hoping he forgets, or if nothing else I'll come home late all weekend.... can't talk when he's asleep.... but I've noticed over these months how he forgets things, so I will use this to my advantage. I'm pretty sure he'll at least be away at one match this weekend.....

*smacks forehead* Darn it! I keep forgetting approach feral cats with caution! *mental note feral cats like to come to YOU, do NOT approach.... I repeat do NOT approach without extreme caution!*

I'm glad everyone enjoyed my rant lol..... sorry that everyone can relate to it...... I do really appreciate all the support, tips and encouragement from everyone on here.

Oh and snodderly~ I went out to water my garden the other day and the hose hangy thing broke off!! LOL So I'm going to invest in one that I can reel in!

I'm happy to report that today I can feel my joy starting to return a bit, I'm starting to get back to my happy place, despite this mess.... again, it helps so much being able to vent here and hearing from you all..... It also helped going to the gym and replaying Gone by Toby Mac about a half dozen times! I highly recommend that song, I'm sure it's on youtube if anyone wants to hear it.... it really speaks to the situation!

[AJM]

Well H, I can tell you that living with somebody like that svcks hairy moose b***! I did it for over two years with her in the same house. After she said she wanted a divorce, she stayed in the same bed for three more months. Left when she didn't get her way. I know I could have kicked her out. I also knew she wouldn't stay for too much longer...

Hang in there. It's tough, but it's not the end unless and until you end it. That's just how it is.

Your happiness and sadness? Yours. You make that choice even if sometimes it doesn't seem like it. Even with him in the room.

AJ

P.S. want to make him think? You can't. But you can give him the room to do so. Don't have relationship conversations with him. Act as if you are happy and let him figure himself out. Regardless of how things end up, it won't be fast, but it sure will take longer if you are swaying in the breeze with him. Stay sane and do whatever it takes to do that short of inviting others into the marriage.

[wishing, hoping]

HRM -

Your H and mine sound like they are cut from the same cloth. I keep thinking perhaps mine isn't MLC but the more I notice the crazy antics from H and the more I read threads from the MLC forum the more similarities I see. My H is all about "feelings" and how he has "feelings" for me but not "romantic" feelings. He still thinks I am the most beautiful woman ever, the best mom ever, the best friend ever and the best homemaker ever but it's all about "feelings". Fourteen years of being best friend ever and boom he is sneaking around with another woman and it's over. My H, as well, says he is not crazy and is perfectly sane. Although everyone who sees him and talks to him (except for OW) wonders why he is acting like a crazy man.

We cannot let them have their cake and eat it too. They need to have reality smack them in the face. It is hard but we need to sit back and let nature take its course.

[Kimmerz]

I can validate.

My Xh said very similar things, but not in an articulate way.

None of that makes a lick of sense to me either. To me if you're the best friend ever....isn't it the best thing ever to be married to your best friend ever? Gee, I thought so. yes I got the " it's not that I don't care, or that I never want to see or speak to you again. It's just I dont feel that way about you anymore. there is no reason to stay. That's not how a man should feel about his wife". A year prior I asked him what he thought a good marriage was based on. He couldn't give me an answer.

Have you gone to the MLC resources thread posted by Michelle. The first page there is a link that says " from a former MLCer" and it's says "Blake". He's an MLCer that posted some really good detail on his thought process and what influenced him to make the choices he did.

The main thing he said was the OW brought back the thrill of infatuation, of course which he was missing with W. This is an old posting, a few years, but heck MLC is the same no matter how long ago it started.

I agree. I feel the less cake eating, the faster life will bring on reality.

[1702]

Hrm, I feel sorry for you and even worse for myself to hear you have been doing this for a year. I feel that many things my wife does follow the DR book to a tee. She is definitely a WAW, but I also feel she is having some sort of MLC at 34.
Having said that, and please don't take this the wrong way, but I am jealous that you are still in same home. My W made me leave last week. Even though it must be crazy to deal with this in the same home, I would do anything to have to deal with my issues with M in the same home.

I am hoping "time" will help solve the problems. As I see, you are from Pa as well. If spouse still wants D in Pa, it can take a minimum of two years for that to happen. Even though I feel that sometimes I would do this out of spite, I will not sign a paper confessing that I want my M to be over. There will have to be a higher power that tells me I have to do that.

[wishing, hoping]

None of that makes a lick of sense to me either. To me if you're the best friend ever....isn't it the best thing ever to be married to your best friend ever? Gee, I thought so. yes I got the " it's not that I don't care, or that I never want to see or speak to you again. It's just I dont feel that way about you anymore. there is no reason to stay. That's not how a man should feel about his wife".

OMG Kimmers these exact same words came out of H's mouth!!! We were over the moon about each other and then BAM!!! Nothing. Freight train to D'town. Express!!! For the longest time I thought I was the crazy one!!!