In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[adinva]

I had Cat's voice in my head this morning as I sat with H signing papers for refinancing our house. I couldn't wait to jump on the board and journal what he said. And I knew it was focusing on him and what he says and does, but oh well. It's a journal.

The settlement guy commented that our monthly payment is pretty low, less than a lot of apartments might be. And H looked at me and said "Remember that."

I try not to dwell on what this or that means. I'm happy we're refinancing because that suggests we won't lose the house and the kids will have that stability. I thought for a while that H was set on selling it and getting out of this area. I was open to talking about that even though I was in favor of staying here till the kids are out of high school.

But "remember that" caused me to think about apartment rents and the fact that unless things change a lot soon we'll also be paying for an apartment. Or, I'll be paying for the house and he'll be paying for an apartment. It's too bad. This is a financially stupid, emotionally stupid, logically stupid separation/divorce.

I'm attractive, funny, fun, fit, happy, well adjusted, understanding, intelligent, committed, honest, loving, and more. He is definitely a fool to leave.

So I was driving from the airport today thinking, what is it? Why doesn't he love me? Why won't he give us a chance? And I thought to myself, stop asking questions that have no answers. It helped for the moment. There's no answer that I can see, maybe that I'll ever see, and I'll just have to get on with things.