Lots of stuff going on right now for me. I think that i'm going to go and see my C soon.
H is trying so very hard. We had a nice weekend. I caught up with a friend on friday night and on sat, H and i went and seen a movie. As my sister and her fiance where out, i suggested to H that we fill in the marriage builders needs and love busters q's. So H is in the bed room and i'm in the living room and i thought that he was filling his out and so i'm filling mine out. Just as i'm fixing dinner H comes out and tells me that he can't fill them in as he doesn't know what his needs are. Duh, i thought that the whole idea of the Q's was to find out what your needs are, share them with your SO so that they can be more aware and thus look to fill your needs. This annoyed me, but i didn't make an issue of it. There is no point him doing it unless he is going to do it properly. Later that night i asked him what it was that he found so difficult, he went on to talk about how he didn't know how much he needed x, y and z and thus it was impossible to complete the Q. To me this just sounded like it was put in the too hard basket. Anyway, this ended up in us having an R talk. He asked me some Q's and it ended up with him saying "So you mean you're not committed to our marriage?" I was a little taken aback, but when i thought about that statement i answered him with the truth, i'm committed to seeing if we have a chance of a marriage, but that i didn't just want to be married and unhappy, i only want to stay married if we are both happy and have the same objectives, ie I know that i want children, i would like to have them with him, but if he doesn't want children, then i can't stay with him. It's different if we find that we CAN'T have children, but i know that i want them if we can.
I guess i want things to be transparent between us. No secrets, just truthful about what our expectations are about being together.
He always tells me that all he knows is that he needs me, but what does he need me for? See i know that i don't need him, but that i want him. When he tells me he needs me, it makes me feel very burdened and responsible for him, almost like he is my child that i have to look after.
In July I will be posting on to a new ship, this will mean that between July 04 and Feb 05, I will be spending 33 days in my ships home port. Now H is debating about moving to the ships home port or staying at home. I'm not sure which is the best option. At least at home he has a support network. But at the moment, i'm not comfortable with the idea of him living any where on him own. I just don't know if he'd be able to cope, as the past shows me that he can't. I love my job, and this is a big part of my job. I know that right now i couldn't change jobs for my H, cause it would bring resentment. I'm not certain about our future so the only thing i'm sure of is that i want to do this job!
I know that we need to do some MC. H says that it would be for me to have a place where i can let all the pain and anger of his actions out, where as i see it as us finding a way forward and hopefully at the end recommitting to our marriage.
OK lets try some goals for the week. 1. Go to the gym 3 times per week. 2. I will not get into any R talk with h, and if he starts any i will listen and validate him. 3. I will complement H at least twice a day for things he has done that i appreciate. 4. H will ask me to do something with him once a week.
I know these aren't great, but i just can't think of anything that i would want my H to do to help things along. Sigh, maybe i've detached to far?
I'm just finding it very hard to see a way forward. I know that i'm luckier than most. My WAH is home and wants to work on it. But do i want it? I know in my head that i do, it is jsut so hard to let the defences down and let H back in. Maybe i let him move home to quick, there was no adjusting. I just don't know. Is there anyone who had there H move home and then find that they (the LBS) wanted them to move out again? I know that i want the M to work and i know that it can, i just don't know how to do it.
Some help would be great.
Thanks for reading this very long post. I know it sounds down, but mostly things in my life (yes even between H and I) are great. Am i just over analsysing?
