Going around in circles

[Walking]

Hi Angel

I've just read through your post and there's some really interesting stuff here. I'm really interested in your defensiveness around boudaries - and put some thoughts together.

Boundaries.... I have never been into that all my life, my boundaries tend to be arbitrary and moveable. If there is a way to live in a reasonable manner then I am open to that. I believe that there are many ways to be happy, and not necessarily right to everyone else but right for you, and I am open to that.

Really? An educated, professional Catholic woman has arbitrary and moveable boundaries?

Think about that Angel …. And think about what it means in terms of the behavior you model for those who look to you.

A boundary is, “I’m not prepared to tolerate a relationship where my partner is attracted to another woman.”

Undefined and unarticulated boundaries go something like this …“My religion and the social values I subscribe to provide the rules that my partner and I have to be true, but he wasn’t, so regardless of what I truly think or need to feel loved and safe, or what I’m worth, I’m going to hang it on the rules of this sub-section of human behavior I subscribe to (Christian, middle class, developed world) and, I’m going to move my personal boundary (even though it was developed consistent with those other social norms) it so I can still have the outcome I want.”

• Which effectively means the people in your life know they can get away with anything, because your boundary is about remaining married - that’s all.

So then you have to ask yourself – what do I truly believe about this issue? If you truly believe that the institution of marriage and maintenance of the nuclear family unit is more valuable to you than fidelity – that’s really, really legitimate. Just make sure you are real with yourself about it.

And I am not holding tightly, I just want to make sure that if we did have to part ways, that we do it at the right time. And with the least amount of damage.

Who’s right time? Can you see the inconsistency in that first sentence? I’m not holding on tightly …BUT!!!! 

I was doing so well when I married H.... I married late, at the age of 36, because I was so busy with my career of being an MD ...I was already the chairperson of a hospital department I built up by myself, well on my way up to being a very successful surgeon in my country. I was actually H's mentor, as he was a resident in training when we met, and I was an attending physician. I gave it all up to join him here in the US and stayed on here for the family's sake. I am doing well in my job here but its not the same as practicing my profession. many times I look back and wish for the prestige, the respect I had, of being my own boss, not having to work for others

OK – so now we are getting somewhere. Over the years, your husband has ceased to see you as attractive, resulting in an emotional attachment to someone else. Reading that paragraph, it appears you’ve become less attractive to yourself too – so it’s little wonder your H is where he is.

Angel, the choices you made to marry, have a family, change jobs etc , were YOUR decisions. You didn’t have to do any of that. You gave up a successful career that you enjoyed and had a lot of needs met through (respect, prestige, head of department). Your H is not responsible for your choices – you are. And you are also responsible to develop your own happiness, prestige, respect, etc – that’s not his job.

It’s also a good example of why it’s very sensible to have boundaries. I can’t imagine in a million years accepting a downgrading in my career for any reason … true love, triplets, the parting of the sea … no way! I’ve worked too hard and too long and I value myself and my skills way too much to even consider for a second that I’d have to. I’d be prepared to make changes to accommodate my partner … but sheesh … the way you look at it is .

I gave it all up to join him here in the US and stayed on here for the family's sake.

Well if you did, that was your choice and for some reason you didn’t value yourself enough to find a way to maintain the things that were important to you about your career, well, Angel-lady … that’s kind of on you too.

Its not about setting boundaries, nor about transparency, nor about building up the M.

It goes way back, like a new start. Tentatively, we are taking small steps outwards, into a new world.

I no longer feel burdened by what ifs, by regret, by blame, by possibilities.

I don’t even feel that we have to have our M intact. What will be, will be. We are restarting our relationship, and if it will not work, then thats it. If it does, then great. But it no longer is what will drive my everyday actions, occupy my thoughts.

The burden of making every day decisions, big and small, now matter more again, and I no longer feel that there is an invisible white elephant in the room, which used to be the “problem”.

Its like life is settling back into the humdrum existence that it used to be.

But it is the most wonderful feeling in the world.

Oh dear … most wonderful feeling in the world for whom? Settling back into the humdrum existence that it used to be … hmmm … wasn’t that what got you into this mess?

It’s great that OW has a new partner. It will also make your husband jealous and wonder what could have been … but you just stick there in the humdrum … I’m sure it’s a great strategy to assist your husband find you attractive again.

Angel – it really wouldn’t hurt, at this stage, to just open your mind a little bit to the fact that just because you don’t understand something – in this case boundaries – doesn’t mean you bemoan or disregard them, or indeed NEED TO LEARN ABOUT THEM AND INTERNALISE THE LEARNING to move on through the journey of personal and marriage development.