I'm having a VERY rough/emotional evening..... but I suppose I brought it on myself.... when will I ever learn..... To spare all the gory details, (sorry for it being so personal, again, but this is my life right now) I initiated something with H (which during this whole crisis he has been the one to)..... well.... I think my friend is right and there may be some performance issues.... cause I get lashed out at when things don't go the way they....uh... should.... so tonight he told me we shouldn't be doing anything, and he feels bad about it for days afterwards, he's just not into it anymore (which is funny cause the other night he kept saying how hot I am, also strange because the last time there was an issue in that area he used the same I'm not into it line, you'll have fun again someday, but not with me, I didn't respond and a few days later we were...uhh..."having fun" again). I told him I was sorry to hear that, and I didn't want him to feel bad, I thought we were just having fun. He said he didn't want me to get the wrong idea, I told him I don't have any expectations.
Later he came over to where I was on the computer and said he's already hurt me enough, he doesn't want to add to that and he shouldn't be initiating anything with me. I told him I'm a big girl. Then he said he didn't want to fight tonight but wanted to know if I had given anymore thought to our discussion from the other month. I told him I would prefer not to talk about it on a work night, he said ok and walked away. He came back a few seconds later and asked why I didn't want to have a discussion on a work night, I said because they are usually very emotional and we end up being up late and I would prefer to do that on a night where I don't have to go to work the next morning if that is ok with him. He said he understood.
This whole freaking thing just svcks (why is that censored??)!!! I know don't believe what they say, blah, blah, blah, no guarantees blah blah blah.... what exactly is the point of divorce busting with an MLCer when they are so hell bent on leaving?
I can not believe this is my life!!! I am so sorry for everyone who is going through this pain because it is the worst thing ever, and I would never wish it on anyone.... this is just so unbelievably fvcked up! It's amazing how selfish people can be.
I cannot win.... do something, say something, it's wrong... don't do something, don't say something,it's still wrong.... Now he wants to have another discussion..... that can never go well, he will throw a baby fit because I'm not going to give him what he wants..... I married a very stubborn man, I knew that, but this is ridiculous!!!! I mean really!! Face your issues already, stop the replay madness and deal!!! See that "I just don't feel an emotional connection anymore," is not a good reason to throw away all of those years! I'm not disposable, I'm a freaking person!!! And hello, Mr.I'm not depressed, depression can cause you not to feel emotionally connected.... just throwing that out there! But what do I know... Maybe it is all over.... maybe I'm the crazy one for ever having hope..... which I still do.... how dumb am I?? I just want this horrible nightmare to be over, I want the pain to stop, I want my H back, I want to be treated like a worthwhile human being and not the enemy, I want a fvcking hug..... is that too much to ask for?! I know 7 months, I should be somewhat adjusted to this, but today I'm not... sorry, I'm a train wreck... but that's ok because I am human. It just svcks that I can see what I did to contribute to some of this (and had to deal with my own depression) and now I may not even get the luxury of a chance to show my husband we can have an even better marriage than the good one we had before.... AHHHHH!!! I know I know, focus on me and get a life, I have been.... but night I'm not able to get back to my happy place.
Am I insane because I still don't want a divorce, because I still see how we could get through this disaster with a stronger marriage???
So much for the toothbrush (which, T, it was in the toothbrush holder last night, amazing I know, but was on the other side of the sink this morning.... he'll probably put it in his room now. lol) Just trying to lighten my crazy rant..... but if I don't vent here I don't know what I would do.
I'm just a scared, emotional train wreck tonight... like all things this too shall pass.... but for the moment it's a terrible, terrible place to be.... Waiter, check please!
Thanks to you all for letting me rant, as always I greatly appreciate it, and all of you!
