Good advice here from everyone. I can really empathize with the frustration you're feeling.
Maybe a gentle discussion about your agreement might be the way to start. And then drop that part of the rope for a while. You can't control what he does, and maybe some of the frustration is wanting to be able to lead him into it?
You're a take-charge, get it done kind of person, right? And no one with depression is in a take-charge, get-it-done frame of mind. He needs to know what you need, but I think he might need to do it in his own way... and it might be a lot slower than your way (cause you're not depressed).
But I SO understand wanting to kick his a** into next Wednesday!!
Thank you all for the support and good advice. I think that i was just having a couple of down days. I did feel that H was getting too comfortable and it was sort of 'more of the same' from him. Except that i have changed, alot, and i think that it is that strange for my H. Although he has been living at home for almost two months, i have only been home for 4 weeks of that time, and so i don't think he realised the extent of the changes within me, and what i would no longer accept in my life.
We had a very good chat on saturday night about how we communicate and i think that it has helped. H feels that we need to start MC soon, he said that our marriage is his number one priority and that he will do what ever it take in order to have agreat marriage.
This is good, but I'll believe it when i see it actually happening. Actions speak louder than words.
So I had a little backslide, but i think that the damage was actually minimal, infact i think we need to have this R talk. I know that i have been avoiding them, and it's almost like i can't be bothered having them! Maybe i'm being afflicted with a bit of WA syndrome, though i'm not leaving or anything!
So back to basics, i need to remember "Am what I'm about to do going to bring me closer or futher from my goal?"
So what are my goals? I'll have to get back to you, as i'm not really sure myself.
I think the big one is to give H a break and notice the effort and good things he does and tell him when he is doing things right.
Any advice on goals would be great, even some suggestions!!
Thanks you all for being there fore me, i think i would have killed H if i hadn't vent here first.
Your H is willing to go to MC and said that workingout on the M is his upmost priority. That's great.
If my W has a similar attitude to your H, I would be very happy. Be patient. Your H is willing to work on himself to improve the R. Give him chance to prove himself.
About the goal setting, reread DR. The goals should be action oriented, in small step (achievable in few weeks) etc
Hi Lee! I am so glad H agreed to MC. Be sure and find someone solution oriented and pro marriage!!
As for goals...I think you have to start small. Think about what Michele says in DR...what will you need to see happen to know things are getting better (she puts it much better than I do, but you get the idea...).
Keep us posted on your goals!!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Lots of stuff going on right now for me. I think that i'm going to go and see my C soon.
H is trying so very hard. We had a nice weekend. I caught up with a friend on friday night and on sat, H and i went and seen a movie. As my sister and her fiance where out, i suggested to H that we fill in the marriage builders needs and love busters q's. So H is in the bed room and i'm in the living room and i thought that he was filling his out and so i'm filling mine out. Just as i'm fixing dinner H comes out and tells me that he can't fill them in as he doesn't know what his needs are. Duh, i thought that the whole idea of the Q's was to find out what your needs are, share them with your SO so that they can be more aware and thus look to fill your needs. This annoyed me, but i didn't make an issue of it. There is no point him doing it unless he is going to do it properly. Later that night i asked him what it was that he found so difficult, he went on to talk about how he didn't know how much he needed x, y and z and thus it was impossible to complete the Q. To me this just sounded like it was put in the too hard basket. Anyway, this ended up in us having an R talk. He asked me some Q's and it ended up with him saying "So you mean you're not committed to our marriage?" I was a little taken aback, but when i thought about that statement i answered him with the truth, i'm committed to seeing if we have a chance of a marriage, but that i didn't just want to be married and unhappy, i only want to stay married if we are both happy and have the same objectives, ie I know that i want children, i would like to have them with him, but if he doesn't want children, then i can't stay with him. It's different if we find that we CAN'T have children, but i know that i want them if we can.
I guess i want things to be transparent between us. No secrets, just truthful about what our expectations are about being together.
He always tells me that all he knows is that he needs me, but what does he need me for? See i know that i don't need him, but that i want him. When he tells me he needs me, it makes me feel very burdened and responsible for him, almost like he is my child that i have to look after.
In July I will be posting on to a new ship, this will mean that between July 04 and Feb 05, I will be spending 33 days in my ships home port. Now H is debating about moving to the ships home port or staying at home. I'm not sure which is the best option. At least at home he has a support network. But at the moment, i'm not comfortable with the idea of him living any where on him own. I just don't know if he'd be able to cope, as the past shows me that he can't. I love my job, and this is a big part of my job. I know that right now i couldn't change jobs for my H, cause it would bring resentment. I'm not certain about our future so the only thing i'm sure of is that i want to do this job!
I know that we need to do some MC. H says that it would be for me to have a place where i can let all the pain and anger of his actions out, where as i see it as us finding a way forward and hopefully at the end recommitting to our marriage.
OK lets try some goals for the week. 1. Go to the gym 3 times per week. 2. I will not get into any R talk with h, and if he starts any i will listen and validate him. 3. I will complement H at least twice a day for things he has done that i appreciate. 4. H will ask me to do something with him once a week.
I know these aren't great, but i just can't think of anything that i would want my H to do to help things along. Sigh, maybe i've detached to far?
I'm just finding it very hard to see a way forward. I know that i'm luckier than most. My WAH is home and wants to work on it. But do i want it? I know in my head that i do, it is jsut so hard to let the defences down and let H back in. Maybe i let him move home to quick, there was no adjusting. I just don't know. Is there anyone who had there H move home and then find that they (the LBS) wanted them to move out again? I know that i want the M to work and i know that it can, i just don't know how to do it.
Some help would be great.
Thanks for reading this very long post. I know it sounds down, but mostly things in my life (yes even between H and I) are great. Am i just over analsysing?
Lee~ You sound great! I think it is wonderful that you and H are talking about things that you both need, etc!!!
I find it interesting that H NEEDS you, and you WANT him...that is one for the MC. Sounds like his needs may overwhelm you a little?? It also concerns me that he can't identify his needs!
Quote: i'm committed to seeing if we have a chance of a marriage, but that i didn't just want to be married and unhappy, i only want to stay married if we are both happy and have the same objectives
This is great...so very honest!
I think your goals are simple, but very realistic!
Quote: Is there anyone who had there H move home and then find that they (the LBS) wanted them to move out again? I know that i want the M to work and i know that it can, i just don't know how to do it.
I know I have read stories like this in piecing...just lurk a little and I am sure you will find examples! This seems to be the toughest part...you DBed, he came home and now you're saying, "now what do I do with him?" Have you read Trying24Now? I think her sitch was similar!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
Lee! So nice to hear what's going on with you. Thanks for the great advice on my thread, too.
Quote: I know that we need to do some MC. H says that it would be for me to have a place where i can let all the pain and anger of his actions out, where as i see it as us finding a way forward and hopefully at the end recommitting to our marriage.
That's OK if you have different ideas of "why" you'd do it, it's what happens there that could help you through this tough part.
I can really relate to the wants/need thing. I once tried to have a conversation with my H about this and he was so confused. What? You don't "need" me? Isn't that bad? Need is a big issue with my H-- and from what I have read this is common with people suffering from depression.
So, while I'd be concerned with him not understanding his own needs... it's also not surprising given his D and also the whole WAH thing. If they knew what they needed, they wouldn't be running any time something went awry...they'd find what they need in a healthy way.
Definitely do check out T2's thread, she is also dealing with this stuff and so well, too. There are others on piecing dealing with the reconnecting and how much is H doing issue as well. You've got good company.
It's great tht you have a good time with your H. Depressed person is having difficulty to identify his/her needs. I asked my W to fill the Marriagebuilder questionaires. But her answers don't make sense. The four most important needs she mentioned were not fulfilled by the om but more by me (Financial support, family commitment etc). However, she certainly could not let go the om. Something important emotional needs must be filled by the om. But she ranked them lower.
I can understand that you consider your job more important as you are not sure about whether your M will work out. I think I can understand also why my W clings to her job. As she is worried that I might leave her for what she did to me. Interesting POV.
I would encourage you to give assurance to your H that you will try to work out your M if he does too. I am sure if both of you are working toeard improving your M. You two will be OK. I wish my W is willing to work on our M like your H.
Well things are still moving forward. H completed the marriage builders Q's and we spent last friday evening going through the first one, which is the emotional needs one, boy that was a touch night!! H and i went through alot of stuff and i think it was a very good thing to do.
To me it shows that H really, really wants this to work. H, in the past, wouldn't have touched anything like this with a ten foot pole, and now he is suggesting that we should look at doing this every month, just to see if we are on the right track and fullfilling each others needs.
Wow, it was very emotional and although we didn't neccessarily do it all well, there was some yelling, we both tried to look at why we got defensive and agreed on other ways to communicate.
We then went out to a ball on saturday night and we had a great time!! We danced and chatted and just had fun together! I think that we the best fun we have had since H came home.
We are getting there, slowly but surely!! H even suggested that we take Tango lessons, i have always wanted to learn the Tango! Even right now, H is doing the ironing as i type. It's all good.
I still need to go back to Db basics and start getting some workable goals down, so busy...... Have to make sure i have my priorities right!!!
Well speaking of which, i must dash and spend some quailty time with my baby!
Be sure and find someone solution oriented and pro marriage!!