Lately I find myself feeling more sad and emotional. The first week after H left, I was surprised at how well I held it together...probably was in some sort of state of shock/denial. This past week I've been feeling more torn up, more depressed...especially after Sunday when H came to the house to get more belongings and even a piece of furniture this time. We worked together cleaning up the house and talked a lot. But where I was previously feeling a sense of acceptance (resignation?), I am now struggling more.
We had our first counseling session this afternoon. I haven't been able to fully process it yet, but there was so much anger on H's part...I was a little taken aback. He reiterated his intent to move forward toward divorce. I think I came across as more hopeful about being able to fix things between us...yet at the same time, I don't blame him for feeling this way. He was right; we never really had a true marriage. Especially in these last few years, its been more of us going in different directions than coming together as a couple. I don't deny any of that. I admit I've not been much of a partner to him and he's given a lot more than I have. I'm not proud of this. It doesn't feel right knowing I'm this way...it doesn't make me happy or feel healthy at all. But its where we're at...where we've ended up. I guess the thought that prevails for me is, is it possible to go forward *together* anymore? Especially when he's so sure he wants a divorce. I wish I felt certain one way or the other...right now I just don't know what I want. Maybe that's a sign in and of itself.
In the counseling session, he also put out there the dreaded "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore". I guess I didn't see that coming. He then proceeded to list the ways I've disappointed him over the years. It made me angry...and while I can't argue that some of the things he brought up are totally true, I sat there thinking, wow, there are things that have disappointed me too, but your list seems a lot longer than mine. The counselor then asked me if I was still "in love with H" and at that point I could only say "I don't know".
Perhaps I need to get angry at him. I've been passively going along in this state of resignation for years. Actually, as I think of it, that *is* just what I have been doing...passively being angry at him and it manifested in my lack of being a partner to him. I can't say at the moment exactly what it is I've been angry at him for though. Something broke down somewhere, I'm just not sure what it was yet. I will have to reflect on this.
So we're going to see the counselor individually next week and then do another joint session the week after that. I feel so depleted right now. I know I'll find the strength somehow, but right now I just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world for a while.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
