When it's a one-way street...part 5

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CV,

I did want to comment on this:

This....

Therefore, if the HD partner is wanting something more from the LD partner, they should be willing to offer something in exchange, instead of just expecting it "because......???"

equates to this....

I now understand that in order for my W to want to have sex, she needs quality time and conversation from me first. She doesn't derive connection directly from sex like I do, it needs to be built up in advance, in ways that she appreciates.

Again, my point exactly.

I very much disagree with my reading of that, although maybe we are saying the same thing.

If you are suggesting that I spend quality time with my wife specifically to get sex in a "tit for tat" type arrangement, then I disagree. Once again, that leads to score keeping and all kinds of unhealthy relationship dynamics.

When I spend quality time with my wife, I don't feel I'm "owed" sex in return. When I want sex, I don't invest in quality time in order to try to get it.

It's really been more of an education and understanding thing. As stupid as it sounds, I really did believe that my W viewed sex the same way I did, which lead to a lot of my frustration with her behavior. I just completely couldn't understand it.

Now that I'm more educated, and understand her needs better, and have read "The Five Love Languages", I get it. I'm motivated to try to meet her needs in the relationship because it makes me feel good to do so. That's why I'm married to her.

She understands that a sex life is important to me, so she agrees to provide one because she appreciates how much I value it. Because I have dealt with her unmet needs and relieved her resentments, it's easier for her to do.

I guess I feel we have more of a healthy cycle going in this regard than a business-like "this for that" type relationship.

That's not to say everything is great, we have lots of other issues as you know, but on this front I feel it's going well.

Just to play out your discussion, however, let's pretend that W came home one day and said she was done having sex with me now and forever, not because of some medical cause, not because of physical discomfort, just because she decided she didn't feel like it. If she said that all her needs were being met, that she didn't have any complaints, but that she was just done with that aspect of our marriage, then honestly I *would* feel resentful, because my model of marriage does include a sex life. That's not to say that she would be "wrong" and I would be "right", it would only mean that I could no longer stay in the marriage, because one of my boundaries had been violated.

Therefore, in line with your original question, yes I do feel there is some level of entitlement to a sex life by virtue of being married, excluding medical issues or prior agreements.

There is also some level of entitlement to having your relationship needs met, being respected by your spouse, and not being abused physically or emotionally by your spouse.

If marriage came with NO implied entitlements, there wouldn't be much point in it.

Where those lines are drawn, however, is a grey area, and discussing them specifically is very important in my opinion. For instance "having your relationship needs met" is fair only to the degree that your needs are reasonable and can realistically BE met. Who sets the standard for what's reasonable though? You probably need to negotiate that with your spouse.

I do believe that you feel your H has failed to provide what you view to be your basic entitlements. Here's the problem -- when you make your assumptions known and discuss them, and your spouse actively refuses to work with you on having them met, then you're in a tough spot. I'm there in several aspects of my marriage. When that happens, you have three choices -- (1) be perpetually unhappy, (2) adjust your expectations to be in line with what you CAN get, or (3) leave. Unfortunately there is no (4) change your spouse to meet your needs, as you well know.

Don't these assumptions go both ways? If you grew up in a 2-parent home and formed opinions about who did what, wouldn't there be some for yourself as well? If I saw my dad earning the income and mowing the lawn, wouldn't I also have seen my mom cooking and doing laundry? Is it possible that a person can grow up ONLY seeing what the opposite gender does, negating any physical constraints of course?

H and I talked about this a couple months ago. He has a whole list of expectations of me as my role as W. They're all supposedly based upon what he saw growing up. I've heard them, I've acknowledged them. So then I asked him what HIS role was, what I could expect of him based upon his father's example. He couldn't tell me anything, said he'd get back to me. It's been two months and I still haven't heard anything.

Plus, his mother was a teacher, not the primary bread-winner, but H has no problem with my making twice as much as he does. He has no problem that I'm better at construction, better at finances, better at most things. None of this is reflective of his upbringing. How do I work with this?

Of course, I guess I fleshed that example out poorly. In addition to having expectations for what your spouse should do, you have expectations for what you should do as well. For instance, my W views it as her "job" to do the dishes. That isn't something I value, because I was raised to do my own dishes, and not to expect someone to clean up after me. When I start doing the dishes, my W gets upset and feels like she's failed, or that my doing them is some kind of passive-aggressive complaint.

I'm sure your H does have expectations and assumptions about what his role should be. The fact that he won't share them with you might indicate that he knows he's not coming through on them, and he's embarrassed about that. Once again, however, I believe he's a narcissist in which case he's always going to expect to receive more than he gives -- it's going to be "all about him", in which case he wouldn't admit to any responsibilities he should shoulder and instead will expect to be served.

You should spend some time reading/researching about narcissism. My mother-in-law is a diagnosed narcissist and it had a terrible impact on her ex-husband and daughters.

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