Something The Boys And I Have Noticed

[tadpole1025]

Hey everyone one. It is time once again for a brand new thread. My previous one can be found here:

Tad's Overdue Update

The reason why I'm writing is that my boys and I have noticed a difference in the XW. She seems to be connecting or trying to re-connect with them. I've read somewhere that re-connection is one of the phases of MLC, but I thought that came later on. Or could it be that a few of the phases can happen at the same time? Seems to me that I have read that as well. I know that I am not imagining it because all of my sons have noticed it. She seems to also want to have a relationship with S19's GF. When she first left, the boys would go nearly a week without hearing from her. Now she is contacting them each once a day and sometimes more. It was just an observation and wanted everyone's thoughts.

Also, XW and I have hardly had any communication for the past several months. This week, I received two "civil" messages from her in two days.

On Sunday, before I picked up S17 from her place, I got this:

XW: If it is not too much of an imposition, could you pick up S17 at 6:30 instead of 6:00 so he does not rush his eating? I am making Chicken Cordon Bleu and it takes some time. He might be done eating at 6:00, but last time you came 15 minutes early and that would definately rush his eating. I want him to be able to enjoy his "supper." (A word she never used to use.) Thank you.

Me: That's fine.

Then on Monday, I got a weird one:

XW: Do you remember the dentist that we used to go to on 35th Avenue?

Me: No. I sure don't. Sorry.

XW: That's okay. It took a little time, but I found the doctor's name and address because they are no longer there and the business name has changed. I can give you the info if you need it for future treatments and to get your records.

Me: Ok. Thanks.

That was the end of the conversation. It probably doesn't mean anything, but the whole thing just struck me as a little weird.

Also, I believe she began to enter the crisis when her biological father became terminally ill in the Summer of 2010. Now her stepfather, who she was closer to, is also ready to pass away. I can only wonder what kind of impact this will have on her. She flies to New York to see him next weekend.

I would appreciate your thoughts.

As for me, I continue to plug away at my new job. I really do enjoy it and it seems to be a nice change of pace from what I've done in the past.

Thanks for everything.

Tad

[job]

Tad,
They can re-connect with the children from replay on in the crisis. I'm glad to see that she is showing an interest in them...it's been a while and I'm sure your sons don't know what to make of it.

As for the civil exchanges, please keep your expectations at zero. She could very well be sensing that you've pulled away and are not reacting to her nonsense and may want to draw you back in. She knows that something has changed within you and is trying to figure it out. You will know, in time, if this change in behavior is permanent for her.

I'm very glad that you are happy w/your new job!

[Kimmerz]

Hi Tad,
Im going through the same type of thing with my MLCer...being very nice.

It's enough to raise my eye brows and send me into orbit, that's for sure. But based on your past posts Tad, yes she sure seems like she's being kind and considerate.

As snodderly advised me, play it cool and see how this plays out.

good luck.

[25yearsmlc]

so your former wife sent you two text messages that did not insult you...

and therefore...what?

Tad, good grief...enough of the hyper analysis. I'm sorry to say that all I can come up with is

So what?

Even crazy people don't always want to feel bad about themselves and oh btw,

Mother's Day is coming...

Hey If you want to grab some momentary solace from 2 inconsequential but not nasty/mean, communications....so be it. I am happy she wasn't a nasty nut to you.

But expect NOTHING MORE....at all.

I'd spend zero time wondering what it means....

literally, I would not spend ONE FULL MINUTE on it. So out of your control and such a pattern that it's amazing you find it noteworthy...

Okay you are addicted but you're supposedly aware of that now,

so if you must, then fine note it, maybe sigh with a tiny amount of gratitude that a sociopathic personality did not descend on you THAT DAY

and then move on to YOUR NEW LIFE....

So, back to you...

glad to hear you like your new job. Any GAL activities? Any new peeps in your life that don't know your past or your former wife?

What fun plans do you have for your summer?

[AntoniaB]

I don't think she's really being nice or civil especially in the first message, that one is still a bit on edge sounding. I think she's just not being vile and mean-tempered directly.

I don't think it means anything other than what they all seem to do eventually which is to make themselves feel even more like Mr. or Mrs. Nice Guy by not acting deliberately rude and talking trash.

My XH used to hold up this type of behavior of his own to me as some sort of "evidence" that he really was a good guy despite the infidelity. He used to say things like "look, I could be mean or saying mean things to you or about you, but look at me, I'm not. I'm civil. I am polite. You could have worse. This makes me BETTER than other guys who walk away from a marriage."

I might be wrong, but I get a strong sense that you're waiting for her to come back, that you're just sort of biding time and watching to see what kind of things she might be doing to show that her MLC is over and then she'll fix everything and it will all be fine.

The chances are that will not happen, and if it does, you're talking years down the road. It's just not been that long.

I agree with 25years, the new job is a good thing, but you need new friends, new activities, new plans. A new life. That she isn't part of other than what you have to include her in as co-parent.

The new friends thing is a big one. I noticed that when I started hanging out with people who never met XH or knew me in my former life that I never talked about him with them. They just didn't care, and I just didn't feel I should bring him up. They were like "that's past history." "You're not the woman now you were with him."

And they treat me VERY differently. People from my past all treat me with kid gloves. They always act like the second I'm a bit off that I'm cycling into major depression. They are so paranoid that I might fall apart again that they coddle me and try to keep me from experiencing life in any way or taking any risks. They also compare anyone I meet to my XH. "Oh you don't want that guy, he's got this attribute like your XH." Or if I show even the slightest bit of attachment on any level to someone they start acting like I am "backsliding." I know they mean well but it's getting absurd. They have no trust that the person I am now is me.

The new people I am around completely reinforce all the GOOD behaviors I have learned and don't recall the old ones or bring my old ones out. They can't--they don't know me as a codependent. They tend to be people who are like "go for it!!" with anything I say I want to do.

You can try to change yourself all you want, but you also have to change to some extent the people around you. I'm certainly not saying let people from your past go, not at all...but until they get with the program and start reinforcing your new hopefully non-codependent self, or at least the self that is moving in that direction, you need people who reinforce the more independent you.

[tadpole1025]

Thank you 25, Snodderly, Kimmerz and Antonia.

so your former wife sent you two text messages that did not insult you...

and therefore...what?

Tad, good grief...enough of the hyper analysis. I'm sorry to say that all I can come up with is

So what?

Even crazy people don't always want to feel bad about themselves and oh btw,

Mother's Day is coming...

Hey If you want to grab some momentary solace from 2 inconsequential but not nasty/mean, communications....so be it. I am happy she wasn't a nasty nut to you.

But expect NOTHING MORE....at all.

You're right 25. I don't expect anything and it probably means nothing. I just thought I'd share.

I do think there is something going on with her though. She seemed to peak her head out of the mouse hole a little bit more last weekend when I picked up S17 from her place. I caught her trying to get a glimpse of me through her door. Most times, I don't even see her.

Mother's Day was a little tough, but not as bad as last year. Last year I sent her a text and got no response. This year I sent nothing.

Last weekend, (Mother's Day weekend) she kicked out our oldest son who was staying with her. Apparently, he quit his job and is back to hanging out with his his "getting high buddies." I don't blame her for kicking him out. He has been out of high school for 7 years and still has done nothing with his life.

Anyways, I've been keeping busy with my new job. I plan to take S17 to a movie this weekend.

Take care.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Unbelievable.

OMFG

So, last night I received news that my brother is now going through what I've been going through with my XW. They've been together about 19 years and now she has decided that she no longer loves him and has moved out.

She has said almost the same things to my brother that my XW has said to me during this mess. It is uncanny. Some of the things that she has said to him has been WORD FOR WORD the same things I have heard. I guess it is true that they really do read from the same play book.

I really am starting to lose hope/faith that ANY long term relationship can make it.

Tad

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Tad, I'm sure you can think of a few realationships that made it.

Are you going to steer your brother this way?

[tadpole1025]

Honestly Jack, I don't know of any in my family or my X's family. I can't even think of any friends or friends of friends. I'll try to dig a little deeper.

As for my brother, I may steer him this direction, but to be honest, I really don't think he cares. WTF?

Tad

[Jack_Three_Beans]

There is no need to do that Tad, if there aren't any for you there aren't any.

As for your brother? I am sorry, there is a reason it is called a script, because it seems like they all say the same words.

"ILYBINILWY"
"It's not you, it's me."
"We grew a part"
"He / She 's just a friend."
"I haven't been happy for XX years."
"I deserve to be happy."

It's almost...cultural.

You wanted to know if they reconnect with the kids.

I believe they do.

I believe that if they are ever going to possibly or even potentially ever / maybe try and reconnect with the spouse...

first they have to go through the kids if you share them.

My fear is that you might read too much into that.

I cannot stress enough how expecting it will happen will hurt you Tad.