I've tried taking my ring off for a day & I wasn't ready, so I put it straight back on the next day. I think it's more of a powerful for the LBS to keep wearing their ring than to stop wearing it. It shows that you are still commited to the R and is a constant reminder to the WAS that you are married to them, every time they notice it (which we can only speculate on the frequency of that chestnut).
I think it's just good old fashioned reverse psychology, the WAS wants to forget they are M and wants the LBS to notice they aren't wearing the ring; whereas the LBS wants to remind the WAS that they are M and wants the WAS to notice they are wearing the ring.
Bill
sorry but i think this just smacks of more manipulating and trying to get a reaction out of them.
If it were ONLY about you feeling your commitment and making a statement to YOURSELF that's one thing.
but clearly your main goal is getting a reaction FROM Her or guilting her and there is a ton of speculative mind reading about her so, I think it's a waste of energy.
If the other WAS spouse wants to act as if THEY are not married, I see nothing wrong with the LBSer removing their ring to show their acceptance of it
(b/c continuing to wear the ring is resistance, and one could argue that the more you resist, the more they persist---)
and the more you challenge their choices
the more you force them to defend them.
If you choose to wear your ring out of respect for the vows YOU made - so be it. I get that.
But imo, you are attaching expectations AND judgement to your choice (contrasting it w/hers) and trying to guilt her or get a reaction from her.
From what I"ve seen, that will backfire if it has any result at all.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I took my rings off in the beginning because I was not going to be the one in our marriage who pathetically held on (pride). I even started wearing a pinky ring on that hand so people would not think I might be married and just didn't like wearing rings. I also liked it when I saw H noticing it. Finally, I decided I WANTED to wear my rings, not for anyone else, but for me. I love them as a piece of jewelry. They are the prettiest I've ever had and I love looking at them. They also let men know I'm not available ( not that anyone cares but you never know) for now. If H and I divorce, I'll probably get them sized for my right hand. Or I may keep them on my left? Right now, they are just rings.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
This is really get hard and getting me down. It does not feel right to just stop trying to save the one I love. Had a counseling by myself yesterday, it was okay. She said the same thing about giving time and space to the W. Seen the W at my son t-ball game. We didn't saying anything at first, then just a little question here and there. She did say by when she left. I'm so scared that I have lost here forever. She is the last person in the world I thought would leave. Trying to gal, but it's so hard. I'm so lost.
ME 31 / W 29 M 7 / T 13 S 3 / S 5 NOT HAPPY 11/11 BOMB 12/27/11 MOVED OUT 2/12 THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12 W Files D 6/24/12
If I'm detaching, how do I act when she picks the kids up or I'm around her at a game or family event. Do I say hi or how are you doing. If someone might be able to give me an idea before she picks the kids up at 3, that would help. Right now I have been quiet, which I think she thinks I'm mad because she said last week she thinks a D would be best. Help!!!
ME 31 / W 29 M 7 / T 13 S 3 / S 5 NOT HAPPY 11/11 BOMB 12/27/11 MOVED OUT 2/12 THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12 W Files D 6/24/12
If I'm detaching, how do I act when she picks the kids up or I'm around her at a game or family event. Do I say hi or how are you doing. If someone might be able to give me an idea before she picks the kids up at 3, that would help. Right now I have been quiet, which I think she thinks I'm mad because she said last week she thinks a D would be best. Help!!!
Be upbeat and positive. Believe me, it takes practice. Keep practicing this until it sinks in. Maybe your positives could be related to the kids? If she thinks you're angry, it will help justify the D decision. IOW, she would not want to return to an angry person anyway.
My H has never worn his wedding ring...outside of maybe the first six months of our marriage. He always said it was due to his work (he's in construction) that there is a risk that a tool could get caught on the ring and he'd end up losing his finger. I did notice that plenty of other guys in his line of work, even co-workers who were married wore *their* rings.
Anyway, its only been two weeks since he's left. I too, have been contemplating whether or not to take my ring off...mostly because in these two weeks, he's repeatedly said he wants to divorce. I feel like by wearing my ring, its showing my commitment to wanting to try to work things out. But then I struggle with what a previous poster said about not wanting to look desperate...like I'm holding on to something that I shouldn't be. It's a murky situation at best.
I say, wear the ring if it *feels* right to do so...in your heart. Like someone already posted, if you take it off, it should not be because you are wanting to see the reaction it creates for your spouse. I was totally thinking about what "message" it would send my H if I took it off and then finally I concluded that right now, I'm not ready to take it off so it stays on. Its not about what he would think, but about what feels right for me right now.
Some excellent advice in this thread about doing the work to be a better person...using this time to really focus on yourself, OP. Its not about controlling the situation, having the upper hand, getting the WAS to react. Its about looking at ourselves and what we need to do in order to grow from this. I've learned a lot reading through the feedback here myself.
Stay strong...as hard and confusing as this all is, you can only be responsible for what you do and say right now. It makes sense then, to do productive and healthy things.
M-40 H-39 M- 12 years T- 20 years Separation: 5-8-12; H says he wants to pursue divorce
Rough afternoon today. Was good till the wife came and picked up the boys. I was nice said high, kept a smile on my face the whole time. She asked me if I wanted help filling dhs papers out. I said for what, she said food stamps, that we were not going to share anymore. I think in her mind she is going to go threw with a D. Nothing filed that I know of. She did have a counseling session today. Would have loved to be a bug on the wall. She told her mom it went well, but she has said they all went well. I'm torn between leaving all the pictures up in the house or not, plus the thought about the credit card and bank accounts. What to do. If I didn't shave my head I would pull my hair out.
ME 31 / W 29 M 7 / T 13 S 3 / S 5 NOT HAPPY 11/11 BOMB 12/27/11 MOVED OUT 2/12 THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR HER 5/14/12 W Files D 6/24/12
