I'm glad you're sticking in there. My analytical mind sometimes comes out badly.
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Women bond by talking, men bond by "doing".
My point exactly. Sleeping is not "doing."
This....
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Therefore, if the HD partner is wanting something more from the LD partner, they should be willing to offer something in exchange, instead of just expecting it "because......???"
equates to this....
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I now understand that in order for my W to want to have sex, she needs quality time and conversation from me first. She doesn't derive connection directly from sex like I do, it needs to be built up in advance, in ways that she appreciates.
Again, my point exactly.
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This is actually another very common issue in marriage, you both come into marriage with a "hidden model" of what marriage looks like that may not match that of your partner, and to your point, it's almost never discussed in advance.
Don't these assumptions go both ways? If you grew up in a 2-parent home and formed opinions about who did what, wouldn't there be some for yourself as well? If I saw my dad earning the income and mowing the lawn, wouldn't I also have seen my mom cooking and doing laundry? Is it possible that a person can grow up ONLY seeing what the opposite gender does, negating any physical constraints of course?
H and I talked about this a couple months ago. He has a whole list of expectations of me as my role as W. They're all supposedly based upon what he saw growing up. I've heard them, I've acknowledged them. So then I asked him what HIS role was, what I could expect of him based upon his father's example. He couldn't tell me anything, said he'd get back to me. It's been two months and I still haven't heard anything.
Plus, his mother was a teacher, not the primary bread-winner, but H has no problem with my making twice as much as he does. He has no problem that I'm better at construction, better at finances, better at most things. None of this is reflective of his upbringing. How do I work with this?
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I think one silver lining of having a relationship crisis is that it's motivation to reconsider all of this and actually have discussions about it.
Wow! If you said this to my H, he would think you were completely, utterly, certifiably insane. Truly.
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Boundaries are healthy. One thing I read was that although your H will complain, he'll actually feel better about you -- the fact that you set boundaries and stand up for yourself makes you someone he can rely upon to do what you say, and also makes you more valuable!
This is how it should be. H already knows I'm dependable. He does not appreciate the boundaries. Any boundary I have ever set has been criticized and condemned endlessly. He was griping yet again last night that I didn't go to the graduation party a couple of weeks ago. They are healthy for me; they are detrimental to my M.
I'm not sure how to digest this feeling again. Like I can talk to other people and they get it or we agree. I can't have a sane discussion with H. It makes me want to run. I'm trying to just keep one foot in the door and finding it harder and harder.
