Not sure where to start, Part 3

[wishing, hoping]

Snuggled with S and D tonight. S had a nightmare and wanted comforting. Felt nice because he is getting to the age where he doesn't snuggle much and wants to be brave. : )

H started back with the spew tonight. So a large branch off a tree falls in the front yard and he says (in a very snippy tone) so did you see the nice pile of crap I get to clean up in the front yard? At first I thought he meant dog doo but then I looked out the window and I saw the branch. Then he starts complaining how he has to mow the lawn and then says "AND I have to fill the pond again because I guess that is my responsibility!". Geez...angry much? I didn't even notice the pond needed water because I was too busy GAL! In the past I would get defensive and angry and feed the cycle. This time I said nothing. I actually started to giggle once he went outside. It was just so ridiculous. I just hopped in the car and headed to the grocery store. I avoided him for the rest of the evening. I made dinner for the kids and left food out for H and asked S if his dad was coming in so I knew if I should leave the food out. S said dad was coming. I looked outside and he was on the phone. I am sure with OW. He was probably looking for sympathy or complaining about me because I am sure it was my fault that the branch fell off the tree and that he had to mow the lawn. Boy I am glad I am not living in his head.

[jks]

You are doing well. Way to rise above.

[wishing, hoping]

So guys I think I am done. I saw pictures on our family camera of H and OW in Boston over the weekend. I suspected as much but now it is confirmed. I am just sick and mad and tired of being disrespected. We are not even divorced yet. I can't even stand to look at him and yesterday was our 12 year wedding anniversary and nothing. In fact he would rather be with her. I just broke down. I can't do this anymore. I think I am ready to throw in the towel. He is just done and has no consideration for my feelings anymore. He is just a selfish @$$. She isn't anywhere near as Pretty as me. I just don't get it. I don't think I can do anymore. I am dropping the rope.

[MrBond]

Now is your time to stand up to him. When he starts spewing at you, don't you take it from him. Talk to him firmly and look him dead in the eye. Tell him that you will not be talked to like that any more and that he needs to leave. And that you will not be disrespected and that you son deserves a better male role model.

Sounds drastic, but you need to slap him back into reality with your conviction.

[wishing, hoping]

So now it turns out we have three options for selling the house. Short sale, on the market to break even or he takes over the entire mortgage. I told him I will absolutely refuse to short sale. I said I did not want this divorce and I refuse to let my credit be affected by his poor decisions any longer. So now if his financing goes through I have to sign off on the house and he takes over the payments. I asked how he intended to take on all this debt and still work fewer hours to take the kids 50/50 and he said he would just have to cut back. Well at least my kids won't lose their home. But I will. I feel like I am being left out in the cold again. It's been a very trying day. My head is spinning. Thing is there is no equity in the house for him to buy me out with.

[wishing, hoping]

He actually expected me to feel sorry for him that he needed to take on all the debt. I just said to him I guess it is what it is. You wanted this divorce now you have to accept the consequences.

I hope this OW is worth it. He even told me he is going to have to ask his family for money. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

[wishing, hoping]

My SIL just emailed me and told me if I call and want to talk to leave a message because she and my other SIL have blocked H from calling. They refuse to talk to him because they find his behavior absolutely appalling. What will it take for this man to wake up?

[LIO]

Hi wishing, hoping!
I admit this is going to read kind of harsh. Please know that I am supporting you - and I do know what you are going through with H. However I'm worried that you are spending too much time focusing on what H is doing, and YOUR reaction to it. You will drive yourself mad.

It will take him waking up to wake up. We can't control that.
OW doesn't deserve your energy, your thoughts. Neither does your H at this point. He is choosing to live life his way. And you are right, he doesn't have consideration for your feelings. He's not capable atm because he's too wrapped up in his own.

But you have control over your reactions. And yes, it will bother you - but to what degree will you let it?

BUT, what are you up to today?
That is something you can control.

I looked outside and he was on the phone. I am sure with OW. He was probably looking for sympathy or complaining about me because I am sure it was my fault that the branch fell off the tree and that he had to mow the lawn. Boy I am glad I am not living in his head.

But you are. Rather, you are letting imagined conversations in your head. You are giving him YOUR power. Don't. So he whines to OW for having to do grown up things... makes for a real attractive man doesn't it? "Oh my wife is doing xyz... whaahhhhh" If she were smart, she'd realize that 'wife' can EASILY be replaced by OW's name, or that YOU aren't going anywhere, and *THIS* is her future, always having to hear about you and what you are up to (so make it a good story of all the stuff YOU'VE wanted to do!) . But since she is a OW, we know that she isn't that smart!

[wishing, hoping]

You are right, Lio. Everything just knocked me for a loop yesterday. It's just seeing the photographic evidence shocked me. I didn't think he would be that inconsiderate. He is capable of anything and frankly I cannot trust him whatsoever. His world is crumbling, but he can't see it. Everyone else can, but he can't. And he is going to get desperate and start clinging. I need to protect myself.

Myself, hmmm..I am trying to remember who I am. Who I was before I got married. I am in search of myself. I miss the fire and spunk I used to have. I have gotten far too wrapped up in being a mom and wife. I need to step off this crazy train!!!! DETACH!!! IT IS NOT EASY!!

[MrBond]

IMHO,

I would print out the photos of him and the OW. Then I would listen to his 'oh woe is me' story. Then tell him. "Well why don't you get her to help you pay for it?" Then give him the photos and walk away.

Strong and determined. You have to show him that you have dignity and deserve respect.