What is going on here... and what do I do?

[LIO]

Thank you ScaredSilly and Truegritter, I appreciate it. I'm learning.

Journal:

I haven't succeeded at going fully dark. I guess I will call it 'dim'. Without S at home, I never see/talk to H - and he is LOVING vacation mode (no wife, no kid, no responsibilities) in his new apartment. Of course it doesn't hurt that this is the time period in his year that his mood goes up... I try to not worry that he will make moving out the reason he is so happy. I am trying to stop all imagined situations too.

Today I had a light conversation with H on the phone. Mainly about my business, and his projects. He gave me some good feedback on mine. We talked briefly about a movie he watched earlier in the week. Immediately after, I felt compelled to email him (one good sign always equals an open door to me) but I refrained. It is pursuing, and he clearly needs space. I wrote out an email, saved it to myself, and didn't send. I'm trying to implement a 24 hour rule of not responding. I will send a a brief thank you email in a couple of days. (words of affirmation, and I LIKE doing it) I will not include any R talk.

In my original email, I was basically giving away the game plan.... like detailing out the changes that he would 'soon' start to see. I stopped. The mystic of a OW is that there is a mystery. WHY give away the playbook to the other team? So they can expect every move and say "yup, knew you were going to react this way." Why not create a mystery around me too? I usually like things done quickly, efficiently, and on time - but after reading other people's situations, and the archives, I understand that things don't happen according to predetermined time schedules. Drop expectations.

My lessons in this seem to be:

Patience
learn to stand on my own, stop being codependent
refind myself, and accomplish MY dreams.
Live and let live regarding H. Basically cooperating with H, without aggression or hidden motives.

I also see that H:

• Doesn't trust me. Most likely because he doesn't know how I will react. I am working on my reaction (not jump immediately to defensive mode). I did trust him until I found out about OW.
• doesn't 'speaks' in a way I understand. I don't *hear* what he says. I need to ask more exploratory questions without pressing him when he says something.
• says I stress him out. I'm not sure about this one yet. I have to do some experimenting on what will work and what doesn't. Usually money stresses him out, so money conversations are not good. He is not stressed when I let him be and when things just 'happen' and it's not planned. I talk too much too... lol, need to remember he is NOT my girlfriend!

I've also been thinking about what kind of person I would want to be. Dropping all the roles, who do I want to be and who am I?

I'm making my list.


On my personal front, I'm down another .5 lbs. I have never been able to lose weight before while trying, so I am going to take this.
I'm working on getting my house cleared out.


I found out that when I didn't do my 'to-do' list, I started to get depressed and thinking too much. That leads to bad phone calls with H.