Things are... fine. I mean, I can't complain. H seems to be trying still. I am just... here.
We put an offer on a house. They accepted. H is super excited. I am... not. I'm not disappointed, or upset, or uneasy. I just feel nothing. A house. Hm. Ok, great, I guess.
I sort of feel like I can't/shouldn't get excited about anything anymore because I will most likely end up disappointed.
And I know that's ridiculously pessimistic, and illogical, and somewhat childish. I mean, it doesn't make me upset, but I just feel very cut and dry about life in general right now.
Although I did get excited about D's birthday party.
It was a lot of fun. We had a really good turn out (which I'm really pleased about considering how much time/money I put into it). I rented a park and made huge cut outs of Sesame Street characters, made up little games for the kids to play, decorated cupcakes to look like the various monsters on the Street, and D did not smash her smash cake (she's like me and doesn't do sticky/gooey with her hands) but she went face first into it. We got some good pictures.
H was extremely complimentary about the party. Said he was really impressed how thought out and organized it was. He also said several people thought it was the "best 1 yr old birthday party they'd ever been to" (which is probably not saying much, but I'll take the compliment, thanks).
I've gotten extremely angry with him on at least 2 occasions in the past 2 or so weeks. Once ended with him begging me to come back to bed, which I refused to do until he refuted his own crappy argument (this was the "you're not fun" argument, which I'm sick and tired of hearing. I'm not the one who bought a 50+ inch TV and wants to sit and watch that every freaking night). And the second I just kept my mouth shut and am pretty impressed I didn't grind my teeth down to nubs I was so angry. He was poking the bear after the birthday party when I was already tired, hungry, and sun-beaten.
But to get off my b!tching soapbox, he did give me a lovely Mother's Day. He gave me a simple, beautiful silver ring with a small emerald in it, in honor of our D. He also took me out to a lovely brunch. This was followed by D smearing strawberry jam on my sunglasses and sneezing snot on my shoulder. If that's not a Mother's Day, I don't know what is.
But seriously, it was very nice.
It's difficult to assess how I feel about anything right now. I feel so mechanical. Work is so completely absorbing that I think of little else. Only 7 more days with students. Every day I think I have done everything there is to do, and then some other random end of the year form pops up in my email box, waiting to be filled out and turned in.
The only real things I have planned this summer is wrapping up that damn thesis, going on vacation for a week to Colorado with my family (and maybe H. Initially he said absolutely not, he did not want to go... don't ask me why, it makes no sense, I could not explain it if I tried... but then he realized I didn't give a damn if he went or not, so now he's bending to the idea), and now apparently, moving into a house. That should keep those 11 weeks between this school year and next busy.
I'm trying to take better care of myself. This time of year it's really, really not easy. I've been going to all of my appointments and trying to do things that make me happy (even though it was draining, planning D's party did make me very happy). My best friend is coming into town in 2 weeks and will be here for almost a month. That will make things even better.
I'm just not very concerned with my M right now. And maybe that's for the best, but at the same time, I'm not concerned about it because it's healthy, I'm not concerned because I feel apathetic. And the apathy worries me.
