When it's a one-way street...part 5

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Unless it's illegal or immoral, I'm game with each person living their own life as they see fit. I don't know how to feel "resentful" because someone isn't doing something for me just because I WANT them to.

If that were truly the case you would have no complaints about your marriage -- you'd just have a "live and let live" attitude unless H was actively abusing you. Many of the comments you've made about your H reflect resentment.

Resentment is a very common if not universal relationship problem. It can spring from matters that are trivial or significant. When I was in college, my male roommate would resent the fact that I would leave the living room in our apartment messy. I wasn't doing that "to" him, and I wasn't not cleaning to spite him, I just wasn't thinking about it at all.

The resentment springs from expectations that are not met. My roommate expected to live in a clean living room. To him, cleaning up was easy, so the fact that I did not clean up, made me an [insert expletive].

I can identify with this from a sex-starved marriage perspective. I wanted to have sex, how difficult is it really for my W to agree to have sex with me? What is she really losing? What is she giving up? Historically I would resent that she would not have sex with me, because it seemed like such a small ask, such a minor inconvenience. Furthermore I felt that I would gladly tolerate much greater inconveniences for her, so it added to the perceived injustice. (I look at this entirely differently now, and we are no longer in a sex-starved marriage, I just share this because I very much understand the roots of resentment).

You don't feel resentment just because someone hasn't done something that you want them to. You feel resentment when a closely held belief or expectation has been violated.

In your case, you believe that it is inappropriate to eat off of someone else's plate in a restaurant without asking. You don't have the attitude that for some people it's perfectly fine and for others not, your belief is that doing that is universally considered rude and inconsiderate. Therefore, when H eats off your plate in a restaurant without asking, you resent him for violating your expectation that your food will be left to you.

What is the "comfort?" Is it ego? (like I've got me a woman here, even if she despises me, that's okay.) Is it safety (like I'll protect him if an intruder breaks in?)

It didn't say where that comfort springs from, it's more something that is programmed-in, like men wanting to feel like good providers, and women wanting to connect through conversation, it's a "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" type thing.

The point was that women can feel neglected if you don't talk to them. Men don't feel that way, but they will feel neglected if you're never home.

I've read talk about a man wanting to disappear into his "cave" -- alone.

Yes, the pattern discussed in the book is that a woman who feels neglected will complain or nag in response, looking to get the man to engage. This makes the man feel "shamed" (which the man *really* doesn't like), so his response will be to retreat or withdraw to avoid the shaming. This makes the woman feel even more neglected, so she will complain and nag even more, which makes the man want to avoid her even more, and around you go.

It says that when you shame a man it actually releases cortisol into his brain which triggers a "fight or flight" response and makes him feel physically uncomfortable. He doesn't like that physical feeling, and will actively seek to avoid it, which may mean avoiding you.

Basically, if your H is spending all his time in his "man cave", it's because he assumes that if he approaches you he'll be hit with shaming, and he's doing all he can to avoid that.

H and I had a discussion about us watching a movie together. He wants to do it, but every single time, he falls asleep and starts snoring 5 minutes into the movie. It is not acceptable to him for me to take the movie and go to another room after he has fallen asleep. I've asked him to explain but I literally get dead silence. Can anyone explain this to me? It comes across to me as very controlling and demeaning. Is this something the guys do when they get together? Say it's for a movie or cards or to watch a game, and then everyone just falls asleep and snores together? Because that's somehow comforting?

Ha ha, that has nothing to do with being a man -- my mother does that, my mother-in-law does that, and my wife does it more often than I do. Some "people" (not just men) fall asleep all the time when they try to watch movies at home. I don't understand it at all.

Yes, I would imagine that falling asleep with you there feels very safe and comfortable to him. I can't explain the why.

It's also obvious that you resent him for this -- if you had the "live and let live" attitude you talked about in your post, you'd just turn up the volume and be happy for him, but to you, his behavior seems wrong, because it violates your expectation that if you set out to watch a movie together, then you should actually watch it together, and not instantly fall asleep.

All you can do here is boundary setting -- I will not watch a movie with you if you're going to fall asleep. If you fall asleep, I will take the movie into another room to watch it because your snoring is distracting. If you happen to wake up I will not come back in. At the point you fall asleep, movie night for me is over. That's a boundary you can set, and the consequences have all to do with what YOU will do.

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