In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[adinva]

Hi again -

I used to do risky things - I backpacked through Europe, spent a year overseas, smoked, drank and experimented briefly with drugs, rebelled against authority, and drove too fast. The things I stopped doing I stopped because they are not who I want to be. So now I drink in moderation, work to excel within systems, follow laws, and try to make the world a better place for my having been in it. I didn't stop doing things because I was a wife and a mom. I stopped doing them and am a wife and a mom. I like a good scary movie and I love roller coasters. I travel when I can afford to, and when I can't I camp out. I've been whitewater rafting, rock climbing and rappelling, and horseback riding in the past couple of years, as a family.

I'm sensitive to the fact that I'm not very interesting or exciting by typical standards, but my friends will stay up half the night talking with me, and I have lots of things I'm interested in. I don't feel like I can or really want to compete for men's attention with young party girls, so I don't expect to try that scene again - I didn't much like it when I was in my 20's and it's not who I am now at all.

Bottom line, I am a mom, a career woman, and a volunteer. I have hobbies and friends. I have strong opinions. I have a lot going on in my life. I haven't got the time and don't feel the need to break out of some role, and I don't believe I've lost myself in my relationships at all.

My therapy sessions tend to be all about me, so I want to clarify that. I talk about a situation with H doing this or that and I talk about how I reacted or didn't, what I can teach my kids to break the pattern, what I could practice or try. I'm learning things about myself each time - that I avoid conflict too and when I meet it head on and handle it well I feel proud of myself, that I don't need to protect myself as much anymore from fear of past hurts being repeated because I'm stronger and wiser now; that I have faults I didn't see because they were coming out in response to bigger faults I perceived in my H, but I need to work on them anyway (oppositional behavior is a big one). I feel hope for the future as much as sorrow for the past. The 180s and things I'm changing are mental and emotional, and I hone them through all of my relationships, including here on the message boards as well as with my H and sons.

I think there's a place in the world for introverted bookworms who like mountain climbing just as much as there is for extroverted party-goers who like hang gliding. I love myself and think I'm pretty fascinating and well rounded.

There are still things I want to do when my responsibilities as a parent are lessened, but I really enjoy the things I get to do every day now, and I get time away to have fun too. I guess that's why I don't usually feel sad.