hope you love her, cause you're stuck with her now

[MichelleLT]

So turns out he hadn't seen the letter when he was over before. I was over picking up the dog around May 3rd and he mentioned he got it in the mail. He hasn't responded really. He said maybe he'd write a letter back or something.

He had Kelsey from the 10th through yesterday. He dropped her off and we got burgers and made small talk for a little bit.

The drive up and back to Oregon for my grandfather's memorial service was nice and the weather was beautiful. Got to see lots of family and catch up. It's always hard for me though to see all my aunts and uncles and cousins with their significant others. Most of the people on my mom's side of the family have been married for 20, 30, 40, or in my grandparent's case, 62 years. I'm SO jealous. And so lonely. I feel like there's some secret that no one is telling me.

I've really been struggling with this break-up for some reason. In some ways it's harder than the divorce. I have always been an optimistic and happy person, always had faith that things will work out in the end, that things happen for a reason. I struggled with that faith with the divorce, but I didn't feel like I lost it. I feel broken this time though. I don't want to start over again, I don't have the energy, but I don't want to be alone either. I see my aunt, who just had hip surgery, with my uncle, holding hands, checking on each other, and that's what I want. I want that 30 years of shared history, that friendship, that love. And it keeps getting taken away from me, and I can't understand why.

After that, I went on my vacation to Maui. It was beautiful, it was fun, I got to see some amazing things and I'd love to go back, but it was so lonely. I never want to go on vacation alone again. I missed having someone to talk to, to do things with, to share those memories with. I couldn't even do some of the things I wanted to do like the lava tube tour because it required a minimum of 2 to make a reservation. And to be surrounded by couples on honeymoon or renewing their vows, UGH! Going out to dinner alone and being asked if I was waiting for someone. So horrible!

Then, the closest I've come to having a date in months (guy at a coffee shop in Lahaina), I end up getting some food that had shrimp mixed in with it and having to take an anti-histamine and go to bed with hives.

I keep waiting for it to get better. I keep waiting for my optimism to come bubbling back up, but it's not. I am just as broken and hurt and bitter now as I was right after the break-up. How many times can a heart be broken before you can't find all the pieces to put it back together again? I don't feel like I'm healing at all. And I haven't for a while now, I just haven't known what to say about it let alone do about it.

I've been taking the adrenal and thyroid stress supplements like I did during the worst of the divorce. They helped a lot with my depression then, but I don't know if they're helping now.

Maybe it just doesn't feel like it because Roger seems to be doing so well? He is doing ashtanga (sp?) yoga, his EMDR seems to be moving along, he has cut back the dosage on his Cymbalta to every other day, and he seems to be so happy alone while I seem to be stuck.