Learning, Unlearning, Doing it Differently #2

[Valeska19]

Crimson,
I completely understand your feelings.

And it's hard.. and it will get harder if she gets accusatory and spits venom.

But having just come out on the other end... it's a necessary process.

I spent 5 months giving my wife tough love. It some ways, I hated every minute of it. I felt like a piece of sh!t.

And when she didn't respect the boundaries, I was given... I got angry with her and I tried to enforce them more...

.. Let's just say.. these were HUGE learning points for me.

However it taught me how to love and protect myself. That setting boundaries was what healthy people do and if I stuck to them long enough - she would come around.

I also really learned alot about who I wanted to be.

I think there was always a part of me that always acted kind or did loving actions because deep down - I was hoping it would bring my wife closer to me...

and when it didn't. I tried something else. I tried going dark and not speaking to her at all. And..well that didn't work either.

So after 5 months of hard boundaries, ignoring calls, thinking and protecting myself.. I finally learned something...

... it wasn't about what worked for her, it was what worked for ME.

So NOW my new actions are what works for me with no expectations of wife or reconc.

I am nice because I want to be. I am firm because I want/need to be. I respect her because that's how I want to treat her. I set boundaries because I am worthy of respecting.

See the pattern - the spotlight is on me.. not her.

I'm not saying that your w doesn't need to see what a D would look like and how she can't cake eat.

I'm not saying there isn't a thing or two she needs to learn should she chose a life w/o you...

...I'm saying it's not really your place to "teach" her. You can allow it to happen, but don't focus on it.

Actions can look the same - but the motives can be really different.

So let YOUR motives speak on YOUR character.

Make sense?