In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[adinva]

Hi Cat - you're so perceptive, thanks for provoking my thoughts.

I didn't know what to talk about in IC today so I brought the division of labor vs sharing responsibilities question. I had a set of assumptions that I thought were important to being in a good marriage, and some were misguided or incomplete. The division of labor was one. So IC and I talked a little more about my specific situation and how different couples organize their lives differently, and the key turns out to be how they negotiate conflict. H and I divided up our responsibilities to avoid conflict. H did the laundry because he didn't like how I did it, and he probably resented it, although I thought it was a good solution and really appreciated it. H left me with the childcare because he didn't like my methods and didn't know how to have a discussion about them. He resented me and didn't tell me until after the bomb. Just a couple of examples. So, if I took the childcare duties because h and I agreed that I was doing a wonderful job and much better at certain things than he is, and if we agreed that he'd do the car maintenance because he's good at it and likes it, that would have been healthy. What we had was avoidant. And to bring back in your sharing concept, the discussing and agreeing, and negotiating differences, is where the sharing would have come in. So you could say that good partners share everything - even if they don't both DO everything. Interesting to think about.

We talked about the recent dog issues and she was really happy with how I expressed myself to H respectfully when we disagreed about feeding the dog table scraps. I had said that I didn't agree but didn't feel very strongly about it so I would respect that he was going to do it and I wasn't going to tell him not to, but asked that he respect that I wasn't going to do it. A couple of days later when the dog had diarrhea it was an easier conversation to mention that something was upsetting his stomach and let's stick with dog food until it's sorted out.

We talked about H's two nights out, which were announced as he was going out the door. I need to set some expectations that he'll be more considerate with providing notice and telling me when he isn't coming home.

We talked about h's passive aggressive behavior about his friend's lawn. He seems to have some kind of agreement with his friend that he hasn't made clear to me or S14, but he expects S14 to mow the friend's lawn, and midday on Sunday he loads up the mower and heads over to do it himself. He seems to act like he doesn't care and isn't mad, but we think it's very strange that he's carting the mower around and mowing his friend's lawn in another subdivision. S14 earns $20 when he does it. There's no specific time that's been established, we just know it's past due when H is gone with the lawnmower. I need to talk to H about what is being expected and ask H to talk with S14 and clarify what the rules and expectations are. S14 is seeing passive aggressive behavior, but needs to learn to respectfully navigate it.

We talked about how H is emotionally separated already. The boys have lost their father already. The moving out is going to just bring it out in the open, that's all. We'll probably need to talk soon about what he's planning.