Not Being A Victim

[BklynMom]

I feel hopeless. D2 came home this morning an I will pick up d3 from school. But I feel like I am already packing for their overnight on Wednesday with him. I hate this lifestyle. I try to be grateful that my finances are good and my kids are healthy but am I going be dropping and picking up kids for the next 18yrs. It stinks.

This morning it was pouring here. I knew h had no rain gear for the girls. I wanted so bad to call him and tell him I could bring by the rain gear. I didn't call. Eventually he called me and asked me to meet him with the gear. He said he had been checking the radar and there would not be a break in the rain as he had initially thought. We met with the gear and he was appreciative as one would be if you borrowed an egg from a neighbor.

Later in the morning he came by with d2. He said should I take more of my stuff now or would another time be better. I said it's fine if you do it now. He was packing up his stuff from his closet and asked if he should take the action adventure pictures of himself. I said they are yours. He asked maybe the girls would want them. I said no thanks he could take them.

I tried to be upbeat for the visit but I couldn't maintain it. He was over longer then usual and the last 10 minutes I was more somber then I would have liked. I had music on for the whole visit and played with my little girl. I did the best I could although I am grieving.

I hate that he has become a stranger.

I have also been spending a bit of time with an al anon friend who is divorced. She has helped me find a lot of peace. However she left her h and does not want to r. She doesn't seem to mind the constant logistical juggle that I hate so much. She doesn't miss her partner.

I feel lost sometimes because I am always praying for a miracle. I go through the motions of staying busy yoga, running, alanon, brunch with friends but I feel a hole in my stomach. I don't know how to balance beleiving a miracle can happen and moving on.