Stuck in a mess

[Dory]

Just journaling a bit so I can get my thoughts and feelings a bit sorted.

I've been feeling a bit melancholy the past couple of days. I think I need to do a bit more work on trying to detach. Yesterday was the first in a long time that I've cried about H and our sitch. I think the lonliness has finally caught up with me. Sundays are the worst for that. H takes D12 every sunday & I'm usually good about keeping myself busy and keeping my mind off things but yesterday just wasn't the case.

On Saturday night, H came over for dinner so we could celebrate his birthday. Right from the get go, he seemed annoyed to even be here. At H's request I made enchiladas and strawberry shortcake for dessert. I spent most of the day saturday cooking and baking, which I was more than happy to do although I don't think I got so much as a thank you from H. Which yes, I know...I did it for the pleasure of doing something nice for H, not so he would say thank you but some sort of acknowledgement might've been nice.

After dinner I made strawberry daiquiri's for us (virgin for D12, of course)...something that I've done often during the summers for after dinner. Although H didn't say it, it was obvious by his body language and facial expressions that he was irritated by this for some reason.

H ordered a PPV movie for the three of us to watch...I don't even know what it was, some sort of action flick with a lot of big names. At one point I got up to use the bathroom and as I was walking behind the sofa to get back to my seat, I casually reached over and playfully tickled the back of H's head as I walked by. He recoiled. I felt like a total idiot. At some point during the movie I fell asleep and woke up just as it was ending. The credits were barely playing and H was already out the door.

After he left, I sent him a quick text apologizing for falling asleep, that it was kind of rude of me. No response.

I'm trying not to have any expectations. I didn't think I had any. But obviously I must if I'm feeling this disappointed about how the night went.

This past week in therapy I uncovered that I'm seriously afraid of H's temper and moods. Not because of anything he's ever done, but because of how I was raised and pretty much conditioned to be hypervigiliant about picking up on other's moods so I can predict outcomes and keep myself safe. So I don't know if that's part of why I'm feeling so glum, if it's just an unconcious reaction to his mood (which clearly I need to work on, whether that's the case or not) or if I'm disappointed in how the evening went because I was holding onto expectations.

I'm just feeling so discouraged right now.

H also said something that really struck a chord. I can't even remember what it was that we were talking about but even at the time I thought to myself, "Wow. That was really insensitive and out of left field." I don't recall verbatim what he said but it was something to the effect that he figures all his mental health problems were a result of holding in his feelings about me and our M and now that that's no longer the case, he's fine now.

Yet he's currently talking four different psychiatric drugs, one of which is an antipsychotic. But he's fine now...

Did I mention that my MIL is back in town?

And the rollercoaster is back in business. Coincidence?

He's left this morning to go out of town this week for work. I sent him a text last night asking him to drive safe & have a good week. No response.

I need to re-read DB and DR. It's time to re-evaluate the sitch and come up with a better strategy. Maybe it's time to go dim again.

Things were going so well too.