When it's a one-way street...part 5

[Accuray]

Hi CV,

Glad you had a great weekend! There are many questions wrapped up in there:

1) Why does the woman want her husband to do an activity with her that she knows he doesn't like?

>>I think this has to do with the human tendency to believe that everyone else thinks like we do. The fact that the woman enjoys the activity so much means that certainly her husband will like it too if he just gives it a chance. If she can only open his eyes to how great it is, then he'll enjoy it too and they can enjoy it together, and maybe he'll be grateful to her for introducing this wonderful new experience. I think that's the thinking that leads to this scenario. There are lots of things going on in there both altruistic and selfish, as well as some delusion. I've been victim to this myself, activity X is so great, how could anyone not like it? If they say they don't like it, it's just because they haven't done it in the way that I have, etc. etc.
>>

2) Why can some people enjoy having an uncooperative spouse along, while others feel they're better off alone?

>>"How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" talked about the fact that men can feel great comfort just knowing you're present. You don't have to be in the same room, you don't have to talk or interact in any way, but knowing you're there is comforting to a man. There's probably some of that going on with your H. He also seems fairly narcissistic which is why your state of mind probably doesn't matter to him. I think this has to do with how wrapped up in yourself you are on one end of the scale, and how codependent you are on the other. A codependent is going to want the other person there no matter what.
>>

3) Why does the LBS want to be with a WAS who clearly has no use for them?

>>There are tons of reasons for this -- I think the initial one is just shock. Yesterday we were fine and today you want me gone. Yesterday I felt good, and today I feel totally rejected and devalued, I want to go back to how I used to feel, and I used to feel that way before you walked away. That's the initial response and it kind of builds on itself from there.

4) If the WAS agrees to stay, why does the LBS believe they'll be happy?

>>I think it's a first step. Longer term, most people are not going to be happy with someone who doesn't want to engage with them. In the near term however, if the WAS won't even be in the same room as the LBS, then agreeing to be in the same room is an improvement.
>>

I'm not a jealous person and I've never fought for any man, or any person for that matter. I just do my best in the R, and if it's not good enough and they're more interested in someone else, I let them go. I feel like I'm loving them more by letting them live for their own happiness, than if I expect them to deny their own happiness in order to provide mine.

I used to feel that way too. After I was cheated on and the bomb was dropped, I felt differently. As a matter of fact, as recently as 2 weeks before the bomb dropped I was thinking that if W would be happier with someone else that would be fine with me, I'd go my own way. That feeling changed after the bomb.

For one thing "the best you can do in the R" is a relative term. Usually you're going to do "just good enough" in a long term relationship, which may be far from your best. Your attitude above is the right one for DB.

Good stuff to think about.

Accuray