In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[cat04]

Cat04, my first reaction to all your questions and most others, is why you're wrong about this or that detail.

This doesn't really surprise me.

I could very well be wrong. It has been known to happen. While I tend to be very intuned to people, I am not always correct in what I observe.

Funny, I believe very much the details matter, but fundamentally, they don't always...

Why don't I cry? I'm holding it together because we made a mutual decision not to involve our kids in this yet.

By no means would I advocate falling apart in front of your kids if you can help it. You need to be their rock through this. However, they also need to know that you are human and feelings are ok to be expressed sometimes.

Just, most of the time really I don't feel sad.

It may not be at the surface, however, it comes across in your calm demeanor. To me anyway.

Also, I am in denial. I really can't imagine that my H is going to divorce me, even though he says he is. It won't seem real until it happens. I ask you, what's the harm in enjoying the current moments, which are good, when what's around the corner is still around the corner?

I see this. The denial.

There is no harm in enjoying the current moments, however, you seem to be hanging onto the old marriage still, which, D or not, is dead.

There are two parts to D. An emotional divorce and the legal divorce. The emotional divorce is what you are living now and what you are fighting.

Do you really think all things in a relationship need to be shared?

In every relationship there is a sort of division of labor I suppose. Sort of a divide and conquer mentality that allows things to be accomplished more efficiently.

That being said, yes I do think all things should be shared.

In my M, well, it was similar to yours. He was the primary bread winner, and I was the primary caretaker, although I worked as well. I did the housework, the cooking, managed the maintenence of houses and vehicles, raised our son, and all of the other domestic things you can imagine. And my X was very unaware of what it took to make those things happen. I was told those things didn't need to even be appreciated because it was my "job." Even though I had a job as well. And I handled those responsibilities stoically.

I grew to resent those "duties". Resented the lack of help more than the actual duties. My X, very recently told me that he now understands and knows that he should have been doing more. Surprising? To me it was...

In my current R, we have much more equal footing. We both love cooking, have OCD about certain household duties (thankfully, they are opposite so we each tackle what we obsess about for the most part) but we have the same desire to have a clean house and work to make sure that neither one of us is bearing the brunt of it. We both work and contribute to the household funds and we talk about the finances. We talk about improvements we want to make to the house, the yard, what we want to spend money and time on. We discuss issues with the kids and bounce ideas off of each other. We discuss the best way to handle any of these issues and then each of us makes the final decision regarding our biological children. Even though one of us primarily does the shopping, we make our grocery list together.

This doesn't take away from our individual thoughts or impulses, in fact, I believe it allows us to be more supportive of them.

I love Goodwill and yard sales. I may not always need something, but I love scouring for bargains. If I see something, I can feel free to buy it if the money is available without the feeling of guilt of not checking with BF first. Or wondering if I am taking away from a need of the household or doing something that he won't like or approve of.

We appreciate when the other does something that needs to be done (scrubbing the toilet) and have no problem asking that something be done if we can't get to it. It allows for neither of us to have unspoken expectations that may go unmet. It allows for us to both be aware of all that is going on. However, neither is expected to do the laundry, cook, clean, or whatever alone. We both participate jointly.

This actually allows us to have free time together. It allows us to plan that time in ways that we want, so we can enjoy it, together or separately. It allows us to keep the connection. And recognize when it may be slipping a bit because life sometimes does get in the way.

Since he's walking away not just from me but also from his two boys, I feel it's essential to do everything in my power to make it possible for him to change his mind about this.

I remember having this belief. Truth is, I was wrong. My X did walk away from me and our son to a degree, however, he has stepped up and become a very involved father. Much more so than I ever expected from him.

When I began to recognize that, I then had to take a different look at my changes and my improvements. To see if they were really for me or for me AND him and our child. Some I kept, some I let go (even though they were legitimate complaints).

If your changes aren't truly for you, because they are things that you WANT to change, they aren't worth the cost. I stopped trying to be perfect for someone else (because the list will be ever changing and ongoing) and just learned to be who I wanted to be. I have to live with me every day. Whether there is someone else there or not.