WHG: Looking for the shrinking cake

[workinghardguy]

Other than the kids I pretty much am dark. Of course the devil is in the details... how much I choose to be related to the kids.

On a week where it's my weekend with my son I usually don't talk to her for four or five days straight. Unless my son decides he wants to call her, stop by on a bike ride, or whatever. I used to discourage him from asking to do that, but I could see that this made him feel conflicted so I just roll with it. I did put my foot down though on spending $100 on her for mother's day as he wanted I gave him $10 instead.

On a week where it's her weekend the contact is fairly frequent because of the kids. Volunteer stuff on Saturday with SS. Church on Sunday with S. Sometimes Friday night movies with all of them.

And then during the week the contact typically only happens if I'm spending time with the kids while she works.

Outside of that we don't talk or communicate. What I still struggle with though is this scenario... I am with the kids because she is working. At 7:30 or so I take them over to her house and put S and SD to bed. A little later SS goes to bed. About 30 minutes after that W gets home. I grab my stuff and meet her in her kitchen. I give her a rundown of kid-stuff (homework, school info, etc...) and touch base on other kid-stuff (appointments, events, etc...). It's usually in here somewhere that she begins going into her life. I redirect her back into kid-stuff, but she'll wander back into her life. Once I actually get through all the kid stuff I tell her I have to get going and I leave. In all it's probably 5-10 minutes of interaction.

That remains the biggest piece in all this. To go truly dark I would have to stop watching the kids while she works. The emotional piece of that cutoff would be dramatic, I'm quite sure. The fiscal implications would be daunting as well. It's sort of the "nuclear option" as it were.

But while she would get hit hard by that so would my relationship with SS and SD. And I understand that it could turn her around and then I would get to have my full-time R with SS and SD back. But it could also go completely the other way and I lose all contact with them. I guess right now I'm following the more risk-adverse strategy.

As far as what would help her wake up... I don't think really anything will; not right now at least. She's on this "self-discovery" journey. Call it "finding yourself", mid-life crisis, or whatever... until it's run its course I don't see her waking up. And I don't think waking up is even the right term... that infers that she's asleep and simply needs to "wake up and come to her senses."

But that's not it... she first has to figure out what she values. She doesn't even know that right now. She has to find what makes her happy. She doesn't know that either. Moving out and being independent was going to do that... it hasn't... and I believe that's a big source of her unhappiness.

But that doesn't mean being with me is a source of happiness.

Things I have noticed... when we are together she laughs at my jokes again. My dry humor is funny to her again where it wasn't before. She thanks me for things that she never did before.

Small things, but that's what it is for now I guess.